Don't "Diss" your Sisterhood!

Audrey Hepburn is one of my favourite woman-kind of all time and I love her quote “You can tell more about a person by what he/she says about others than you can by what others says about him/her”. Too true Sister!

You can picture the scene can’t you?  You sit down at a table next to a group of women when you over-hear them talking in excited, hushed tones in the most damning, derogatory way about another woman? I have witnessed the scene many times myself and been quite glad that it wasn’t me they were talking about. But I have to say that I have been on the receiving end of this kind of tongue-lashing a few times too and found it very distressing and felt completely betrayed through it. To a certain extent I appreciate male company more than female for this very reason; except for the handful of genuine, authentic “Wild Women” friends that I have the honour of connecting with.

Now, I parted ways with some relief this year with a female friend who did or rather still does diss her sisterhood. I am ashamed to say that I have sat with her whilst she has divulged the most intimate of details regarding mutual friends. I cringe to the highest degree that I was party to one conversation that resulted in me knowing one particular friend had never achieved an Orgasm in her fourty-something years! I am quite sure that this information was never meant to be up for general discussion behind her back and that it was only shared after a lot of soul searching and courage with just one person…. And that person betrayed her big-time through repeating it! I could write many more instances but you get the picture right? … This woman and those like her are never happier than when they are surrounded by a captive audience spilling the beans on other women with the utmost glee and delight thus giving everyone there the benefit of their skewed thoughts and perceptions of other women and girl-friends.

Dissing your sisterhood really is the most unattractive habit to witness, both for men and other women. Whilst you sit there happily taking in all that dirt and grime just think about what she will be saying about you behind your backs girls. That is guaranteed to make you think twice about being a part of such a vile activity. But I am interested in why women do this because men don’t do they? Lots of research has gone into the differences in how men and women communicate and it is well documented that women tend to talk over a problem or issue with their peers until they feel satisfied that it is resolved and they have a solution. But dissing your sisterhood is different to that. To me it is more unclear as to why some women sit happily slagging other women off but when you research more into this there are common themes that evolve regarding those who do it.

It seems that those women who diss their sisterhood are very much showing their own personal insecurities and imperfections. They huddle together gathering all those who will listen, which is usually the same girl-kind each time. They want to feel secure, popular, needed and intelligent. They observe traits, beauty, possessions or whatever in another woman that they themselves would like to possess but instead of thinking “go-girl, you have done well” or “you are gorgeous, good for you” they instead feel the need to rip them apart and somehow make them appear ugly, fake and failures. It is pretty obvious to me that women who diss their sisterhood are reflecting what they feel about themselves… but through their jealous ugly words they don’t see that they are reinforcing their own unhappiness and negativity. If only they would step back and realise that they hold the key to their own success, beauty and happiness.

Next time you hear this going on just take a look at the perpetrator and notice their imperfections (we all have them), their voice tone and their posture and ask yourself two questions. Do you see how visibly unhappy, bitter and jealous they are? Do you personally want that negativity in your own life? After all, life is tough enough for us all, whether male or female, without adding to it. We are sharing this life journey on Earth for a long time so why don’t we start 2013 by showing more kindness, compassion and humility towards our sisterhood and stop dissing other women… I am sure it will make the world a happier place for all of us but most of all the ones who are insistent on being carrying out this awful pastime

Honouring Jacintha

Please note that I work in the Health Profession and therefore my views are based on my own experience over the 25 plus years in the Nursing profession.What I write here is not a reflection of what I find within my current employment.


It’s just over a week since Jacintha Saldanha committed suicide by hanging herself with a scarf. I was absolutely gutted to hear the news and even more gutted to hear the cause. She was an outstanding Nurse with a lot of experience and I consider her to be a kindred spirit and a peer who will be missed hugely in her profession. I have been growing more concerned over her death as the week has gone on and wanted to write something to honour this beautiful soul and write from a nurse’s perspective. 

Over the past week I have read various views on social media about Jacintha’s actions, most of which are hugely compassionate and caring. However, some people have remarked on how it could ever be possible to mistake two Australian DJ’s for Royal family members. Some have remarked that there must have been something else going on in her life for her to kill herself for “this”. I read these comments with disgust for it shows a complete lack of understanding of human nature and the confusion and desperation that Jacintha must have felt regarding her situation. It also shows a lack of understanding and complete disregard of the blame culture present in the health care profession.

I have been a Nurse for over 25 years now and I have worked in the NHS and Charity sector for much of that. What I can tell you here from experience is that Jacintha must have felt totally alone and enormously fearful for her future given her situation at that time. This was no ordinary situation; this was an absolute embarrassment for the Hospital on the biggest scale you could imagine. The breach in confidentiality was not against a member of ‘Joe Public’ but was the future Heir and King of England’s Wife. I believe completely without a doubt that the Hospital, a private Hospital reliant on reputation, will not have taken that well. Jacintha will have felt the immense pressure and wrath of the management and senior Nurses to such a degree that she would not have known which way to turn. Please believe me when I tell you this would have been the case. 

The reality of this is that Jacintha was a loving Wife and Mother and was staying in London only to work so she didn't have family support around her. She could not have returned home to Bristol without a media furore surrounding her as soon as she left her work base home. Even the most experienced celebrities with their PR gurus struggle with that type of media pressure so I can not imagine what Jacintha was feeling. She was not in her native country and must have felt a million miles away from home. On top of that she would have been facing Hospital management and seniors who would have seemed extremely intimidating to a Nurse under those circumstances. They would have been absolutely furious to learn that their Hospital was in the ‘limelight’ for confidentiality issues regarding Royalty and working within an environment of “Blame Culture” they would want answers. As a human being and a Nurse I can tell you that Jacintha would have been completely falling apart at the seams and with very little support available to her. 

It has been alleged that Jacintha wrote three suicide notes during her two attempts to take her life. One to her beloved family, one to the DJ’s where she laid responsibility for her death at their feet and the third note was reputed to criticise certain members of the Hospital staff. This confirms what I believed happened to Jacintha. No sensitive, caring, compassionate human being would have been able to cope with the enormity of this situation without a great deal of support and care. In my opinion Jacintha would have been a strong capable lady, you need to be in the Nursing profession and taking her own life was not a sign of weakness but a sign of sheer desperation given her circumstances. My heart feels heavy to think that we lost such a wonderful Nurse but it feels even heavier when I think of her two children without a Mother. Was her life worth more than the Hospital reputation? Was it worth more than a stupid prank? Of course it was! 

If I could say anything to Jacintha right now it would be to say you did not do anything wrong and I so wish that I, someone, anyone could have reached you and taken care of you. Thank you for your dedication and compassion as a Nurse, you will be greatly missed. To her family I want to say that I am sorry we let Jacintha down and that this cannot be the end of the matter. Whatever led to Jacintha taking her own life must be shared with you so that you can understand and make sense of your loss. My heartfelt love and sincere condolences go to you all.

Full Moon Dreamin'

Oh sometimes, just sometimes I wanna dream… dream of better times and a world of opposites! Life is tough right now for me. Not because of money, possessions or anything like that but simply because no one has a conscience and no one really truly cares. That’s tough for me because I do not belong to a world like that. Feelin ‘kinda weird and sad about that tonight!

It’s a full moon and the sky is lit up with such an outstanding beauty that running inside to get the camera just would not do that kind of beauty justice. Who bothers to see that beauty anymore? Would many people really care too much if the moon disappeared? We take so much for granted but one day there will be such a rude awakening ~ for one day it will all be gone!

Ya’ know sometimes I really want to run away! Run away to the cluster of trees on the hill and watch mankind scurrying around carrying on with what it carries on with. I am really unhappy living in the human world right now. It is such a cruel, heartless and soul-less world that I have no place in. Too many people out there hurt and maim and run rough-shod over the vulnerable and defenceless. Where does it end?

Secretly my ideal would be to live in isolation and far away from people (well maybe with just a little company) with no lies and no pretence. I have had too much of that throughout my life and it is not something that I would ever allow again. When people pretend it is more obvious than they would ever realise yet they think they have created an illusion….  but for me it’s just a matter of time before they trip themselves up. But is that worth waiting for? No of course it isn't  I am astute, I am perceptive and my senses are all intact and I know that Karma will always come back and have its day but whilst that is happening I am long gone believe me!

Where did the fairytale go…that fairytale from childhood? All those hopes to make the world a better place… just fading year on year! I will always have that hope but I won’t stand still waiting for people to catch up. Instead I choose to run wild and free … I am a wild woman of ancient blood and I will live with the authenticity that I have been gifted with and maybe just maybe people out there will catch up. If they don’t I will have loadsa fun living in my dream-world. My own little world where I live as one with nature, the elements, the seasons, wild creatures ~ I can dance and sing like no-one is watching… a world where I can love wholly and be loved back without pretence. Not much to ask for when you look at it like that…. But actually it is not a reality that sits on my doorstep right now that’s for sure!

Dearest Bob, in the Summerlands.

This Blog is a very personal rambling note to someone I love dearly and who is missed every single day twelve years on following a fatal car accident. If you too have experienced the sheer pain of losing someone you love and you silently scream from within, like your heart has been ripped from you, I send you my sincerest heartfelt love, blessings and empathy... We as a family know your pain as do many others! For those around you I hope they tread your path gently and surround you with love and compassion. As a family we have been gifted by Bob's passing with such love that my heart feels it can sing again. But for today this Blog feels painful!

Oh Bob, it’s been twelve years since you were taken away from us. It feels like only least year yet at the same time it feels like a million years ago that I last held you, last watched your gorgeous smiley face beaming at me, cringed at the way you always acted like you hadn't seen me for years in public just to make everyone stop and stare and I can still see the way your hair fell across your face and you would brush it away with your hand. I miss those days.. I miss you so much Bob… we ALL do!

You always had the ability to light up the room when you walked in. I say walked but it was more like a real “swagger”. Gosh, that’s a very modern word but in our day referred to the way someone walked with a kind of 'couldn't care less' attitude. That unmistakable walk of yours, Sam has inherited which includes the very long hair. When I drop him at College and watch him walk away I can’t help but smile and I often wait a little bit longer than I need to just to watch him. It is strangely comforting to know that some of your particularly unique characteristics live on.

There are countless times when I can almost see you. I used to be afraid that I would forget what you looked like but I needn't have though because you are imprinted on my mind and it is really easy to see you wherever I go. Time has been the great healer but grief is cyclical and every now and again I feel the pain deep in my core of losing you again and it reduces me to tears. The last time I felt that depth of pain, apart from today, was a few weeks ago. We were all together again as a family and it was just the most wonderful time ever. But Bob you weren't there to share it with us and I know you would have been in your element acting the fool and loving every minute of it. You always had such eternal youth and the ability to relate to the younger family members. As we all went our separate ways again there were many tears and not just from me I hasten to add. I looked around at all our family and their lovely happy faces after a wonderful weekend together. I suddenly felt an overwhelming grief and a huge knot in my stomach as I realised that next time we get together one of us may not be here… just like you weren't  I sobbed .. really sobbed. I am just not ready to lose anyone else! Yet I know that life deals these devastating blows at any time just like when you were taken from us, and I know I will never be truly ready for that. All of our family are so special and I need them to always know that I love them so deeply and would do anything for them. I know they all feel this way too. I realise how much your passing has taught us that life can be too short and that it is so important to love each other. I think your legacy has been just that in our family… never overlook a chance to say I love you and make the most of each other in this life because we don’t know what is around the corner.

Life changed for us all the day we lost you. No chance to say goodbye to you, no last chance to say how much you are loved, no chance for you to one day know your Daughter, no chance to hug you one last time cos holding your lifeless body at the Funeral Directors was just not the same. By the way the baby blue shroud just didn't go with your Denim jacket~ not a good look Bob!  The list of ‘last times to’ … is endless. To be honest we could have been given countless chances for all that and it would never have been long enough and we would never have been ready to let you go. I am sure the lady who was first on the scene of your accident  remembers that day as vividly as we all do. What a terrible ordeal for her but thank goodness she drove that way and discovered you so quickly and to her I send my love and blessings as I am sure she will be thinking of you today. Here in Somerset last week it had been a year since the M5 pile-up and my thoughts were with the families who are feeling what we felt on the first anniversary of losing someone. On the evening news there was a piece on the memorial plaque and service that was held a year on. It was also attended by members of the emergency services and I remembered how wonderful the Air Ambulance had been, how they tried to save you but it was too late, how amazing the traffic Police were to us as a family. One particular Police man has a special place in my heart because he was the first there on that fateful day. He took us to the scene of your accident and explained to us what had actually happened and that you would not have known anything about what happened. He was the most compassionate and patient man who went through things for us over and over because we just couldn't take it in. We couldn't understand how you aqua-planed across the road in the floods into the smallest freakin’ tree ever that did ALL that damage. I will truly never forget his kindness and I hope he knows how much it helped us as a family to have him around. I honour his courage and his caring soul for doing that kind of job because he made a difference.

I want to say so much to you Bob, in my way I do talk to you but it just isn't the same. For now I just want you to know that we ALL miss you and love you to bits. There isn't a day goes by when we don’t think of you or are reminded of you for some reason or another… One day we will be together again but right now we have reason to be here on this Earth until we are reunited.

I love you Bob! x

Samhain is upon us again!

Tonight I am sitting in the dark and at 3 o’clock in the morning the house is so still… Outside I can see the cows all lying down in the field in the Full Moon light with the silhouette of Glastonbury Tor watching over us. It feels kinda special to be in this moment resting back into the arms of Gaia …calm, reassuring and sacred!

It has been such a funny old day today with the Universe working in very mysterious ways: a bit of a jolt in to reality in some ways. In addition to that it is Samhain, which I feel in every fibre of my being right now. On this magically auspicious day I am honouring and giving grateful thanks for my wonderful Ancestors who shaped me into the person I am today. I have been gifted with a huge family and many of us got together last weekend for a Wedding in the Lake District. As I left everyone I sobbed… really sobbed like I haven’t done before. This wasn’t just a few shed tears but a real pain in my core and wrench of emotion from the solar plexus. I didn’t understand exactly what this was about at the time but have pondered on it these last few days and I feel Samhain has a lot to do with the raw emotion of last Sunday plus a heavy influence from Lady Luna herself as she shows her full splendour. The depth of the emotion I felt was the realisation that my family are the ones I can always rely on and trust implicitly without judgment. They are the ones who have never let me down and the ones to lift me when I am down. That is very humbling and is where the raw emotion came from that day I am sure.

Every year at Samhain I give thanks and honour family members who have passed over but this year there is an immense feeling of connection with them. I am so proud of my Ancestors and of their gutsy hard-working attitude to life. For me there is one beautiful lady who I idolised when growing up and I still do actually. My gorgeous Nana, Connie, who passed over in 1987 yet to me never went away and still guides me today. Connie was a no-messing hard working lady who had a tough life and she was the heart and soul of our family. She would watch with a knowing look in her eyes and not much passed on by her. The pain I felt when she passed over was like nothing I had experienced before and like many others, losing a Grand-Parent was my first encounter with true grief. I am incredibly lucky to have Connie’s unstoppable determination and survival instinct and in times of upset and anguish I still see her beautiful silvery hair, rosy-cheeked face and I hear her voice say “It’ll be alright lovey”. She made everything right in a way nobody else could. I love you to bits Connie and I know you always understood me!

Family is foremost in my mind right now with seeing so many last weekend. When I think of my younger years the women in our family were amazing role models so it was very special to be able to spend time with some of them again. Their generously loving hearts, passion for life, gentle grace, incredibly deep love of animals and nature, their wit and humour and their unrelenting resolve to overcome life’s difficulties influenced me and made me into the person I am today. I honour the sacred place they have in my life right now and give thanks for that they are still here.

So this year for me Samhain is more about Family, my blood family and my soul family of just a few friends who I bestow with that title. It is about knowing my place in the world of Paganism and being true to myself ~ “walking my walk and talking my talk” which there isn’t enough of in this world, believe me!. It’s about leaving behind that which is shallow and hollow in the Pagan world of late and not following the “crowd”. It’s about a new consciousness in me that I do not fit with some of what is going on and I won’t be a part of it. My path has become much more solitary without intention and I embrace that this Samhain and move forward with it into a wonderful new year.

Have a very Blessed Samhain everyone.

(Photo is Connie~taken in around 1940)

An Historical Love Story.

I have to confess that I loved the last two series of Downton Abbey and am most eagerly awaiting the next series in the autumn. The very sound of the theme tune makes me want to jump up and down with glee because I just love what it brings. Cup of Earl Grey tea, biscuit and an hour’s indulgence of historical wonderment!

One of my lifelong passions has to be British history and there is nothing I love more than anything in life but to immerse myself in times gone by and to get up close to our Ancestors. This probably stems from where we grew up with Shugborough Hall, Iron Bridge, the Potteries and the Black Country on our doorstep. There was a big old Hall once upon a time at Teddesley where we lived and all that remained there as children were the servant’s quarters. We used to walk the dog around the grounds and despite the fact that nothing remained of the Hall itself; I could almost feel the splendour of its day with every footstep I took. It was inhabited by the Littleton and Hatherton families since it was built in the mid 1700’s and it saw such enormous change in the world… quite similar to what we saw in Downton Abbey!

I had the most treasured gift from my Dad when I was forty of a fabulous book entitled “The Diaries of The First Lord Hatherton”. It is a book of extracts from the diaries of the First Lord Hatherton between 1817 and 1862 and I was so enthralled by its contents that I couldn’t put it down.

The First Lord Hatherton moved to Teddesley Hall in 1812. He was a British Politician in the times of the Canningite Tories and then later the Whigs. His diaries give us such a delightful insight into life back then in the political world and how life was in the heart of the Industrial Revolution. Lord Hatherton seemed to me to be such forward thinking a man with his innovative work in improving the land through proper drainage, his pedigree live stock and his commitment to raising the standard of living within the local community. His diaries do however expose his vulnerability due to the rapidly changing world around him during the Railway Mania days ~ which isn’t so unlike how we all feel at times nowadays with new advancements in technology. He did come to terms with the changes, but it is his vulnerability that invites me to greatly appreciate this man who has become very real and likable to me over the years.


But the greatest admiration I have for Lord Hatherton is the deep love he quite openly shared and demonstrated in his diaries for his dear wife Hyacinthe. It is she who I am quite mesmorised by because of what he wrote and so wish I could find out more about her. Hyacinthe was the Daughter of the First Marquis Wellesley whose Brother was the Iron Duke; and her Mother was an actress, Hyacinthe-Gabrielle. Her Mother had three sons and two Daughters before her Father married her and she was scorned by High Society when they moved from Paris to London in 1794 because illegitimacy at that time was a real sin.


Hyacinthe married Lord Hatherton in 1812 and this proved to be the most wonderful love affair for the duration of their marriage and one that many women would envy. Lord Hatherton frequently wrote in his diaries of the love and admiration he felt for his Wife and at times it felt as though he was in awe of this beautiful lady. He wrote on December 21st 1831 “I have this day been married 19 years and have enjoyed one continued course of the most unqualified happiness with one whose temper, cheerfulness, gentleness, benevolence, beauty and manners have seldom, if ever been surpassed in one person”. There were so many adorable diary entries where he wrote of his marriage to Hyacinthe being the most fortunate day of his life but on their 32nd Wedding Anniversary, their last, he wrote that it was “a day that must ever more be sacred in my recollections”. The heart felt sadness in his diary entries from that day until Hyacinthe died was tangible and touched me deeply. He knew he was losing his true love and he spent much time with her reading the Bible or talking to her whilst she lay dying with cancer. The poor trailed to Teddesley and she agreed to see them despite being desperately ill. Hyacinthe died in January 1849 aged 60 with her beloved Husband holding her hand. Wonderful obituaries were written and the local community and school children lined the road to the Church on the day of her funeral and openly mourned the loss of such a great woman.

During Hyacinthe’s life, she was clearly not a woman to rest on her laurels even though she could quite easily have done so. She was a rather beautiful and magnificent character who showed much concern for the local people. She visited the poor and listened to their problems. She over saw the local school and was obviously well loved by the workers on the Teddesley Estate and the poor people of Penkridge. Despite her wealth she seemed to be a down to earth kind lady who performed many generous acts of charity.

It was her Husband who held the public attention but like with so many great men, there is an even greater woman behind them. I am glad to know that Hyacinthe’s life was valued and remembered by so many and I give thanks for all that she did for people but also for the Sisterhood

New Beginnings

After many years of waiting, jumping through hoops and planning we have finally made it to our beloved Glastonbury. It’s been a long arduous journey but this isn’t the end of that journey, I always knew it would be the beginning for me. Right now I am sitting in our lovely new home, the rain is persistent and doesn’t look like stopping any time soon and I can barely see the Tor for the mist now. Upstairs I can hear Sam happily chatting to his mates on Skype. He thinks everything is just awesome here so I guess he is happy in his space.The cats are both sound asleep and seem quite content to roam around their new territory and watch the cows from the window-sill.
But me? I am a different story at the moment.I have so much unpacking to do but cannot motivate myself to get on and do it. Instead of feeling over-joyed I feel exhausted, depressed and tearful. I don’t have the energy to do anything and believe me there is so much to do. Maybe my ME has caught up with me because on reflection I over-did things for months before we moved and took on way too much. Maybe it’s because every day brings constant pain not just from my ME but from the shoulder injury that I am awaiting surgery for. Maybe this move was not the best for me or the best timing, well, that remains to be seen.
I suppose there will be some who attribute this feeling to something more mystical, like the sheer power of this land being too strong for me. I don’t doubt those powers but I would say to them that they just do not know me and I am much stronger than they give me credit for. Don’t get me wrong if you are reading this far, I am not feeling sorry for myself or being self-indulgent. I am just acknowledging the feelings I have when my expectation was to feel elated. There lies the key partly to this I suppose…that word “expectation”. We all have them – expectations- and I believe they are not always such a good thing to have.
A while ago I came across a quote when I was reading about Alexander Pope, who I wrote about in an earlier Blog about Sherborne Castle……“Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed”. Too right! So from now on maybe I will expect nothing but that means others should expect nothing from me either.
What I truly believe is going on for me personally is that I need time to be insular so that I can re-ground myself again and make the transition to achieve balance again. There’s been too much going on over the past 10 years or so, too much negative energy, too much pressure placed upon me, too much responsibility. I just need space to connect with the land again in a way that only I know without someone telling me I’m “doing it wrong”, or “you need to do it this way or that way”. I think I know me better than anyone else so I ought to be bolder and do it “my way”. So the lessons for life right now have to be about lowering expectations or even removing them and achieving a more comfortable balance for me. So be it!

"A Man I used to know"

As I walked into the room I could see him lying peacefully in his bed, each breath could have been his last. I rested my hand gently on his head. That small gesture gave me great insight into this mans life even though it was ebbing away as I stood beside him. I could feel the bones of his skull through his thinned hair and as I looked at his facial contours his cheek bones were so prominent underneath such pale skin. Painfully thin now from the ravages of cancer, he was sadly a shadow of his physical self. His whole body was weak from years of fighting and now he was dying. He opened his eyes and tried to smile as he whispered hello and took my hand. His bright blue eyes were still twinkly and full of hope…. Hope was for a peaceful journey now as he continued on rather than hope to live longer with this disease. It was not that he wanted to leave this world because he certainly did not, but he told me he knew he would continue to evolve spiritually and that this was not the end for him. I stroked his hair just for short while and then just sat in stillness with him whilst holding his hand. I had shared his journey for just over a year, through each stage of acceptance as he moved from one stage of his disease to another. As I sat with him my thoughts turned to his sparse home in Glastonbury and how little he owned in material things in this world. Glastonbury was his spiritual home and like many he had chosen to live there to be closer to like-minded people and to be more at one with his beliefs. I thought more about all that he stood for in this life and the richness and wealth he had were hugely apparent to me; yet those riches were neither tangible nor measurable in monetary or material terms. It was more about what he had become through living life with simplicity and goodness, which had allowed his spiritual and higher self to be nurtured and to blossom. He was a father and his children had learned so much from him. The way they held their Dad’s hand through all of this was so touching and I would watch them tenderly walk beside him giving him strength and encouragement. They were so young yet they had wisdom beyond their years; their Dad’s legacy I am very certain of. This man, so desperately ill to look at appeared to exude peace and serenity with every breath he took. I felt overwhelmed with emotion as I felt this through my fingertips and I wanted to cry. Instead, I took a few deep breaths and I continued to just be, and through the unspoken I absorbed the lessons of this special moment. He became more wakeful for a while and I helped him to change position to rest back down. This always seemed to be on his right side facing out on to the beautiful gardens at the Hospice, he told me he needed that connection with nature, with the universe and he wanted to be able to see the sky as it passed from day to night and back to day again. The Pagan Wheel of the Year gave him focus and he knew life would continue with the eternal process of death and rebirth. He told me in one of our conversations that “this is not the end for me. I have so much I still want to do but it won’t be here! I know I will go on and on and on just like the wheel of the year”. Each day I would give Blessings to him with the sacred waters that I had collected from the Chalice Well and the Whitesprings. He would take a few sips of the water and then allow me to cleanse his face and hands with the calming cool waters. I can’t remember all that I said to him but the words just seemed to flow intuitively as I gently spoke about letting go and continuing his journey. He took comfort that someone was giving him permission to let go and was acknowledging that all was OK. He wanted me to do this every day for almost a week before he left this world and each day brought different words of comfort or described different paths through the Chalice Well gardens as we journeyed together in an almost guided mediation. His journey continues but not on this Earth. I took the lessons from those precious moments we shared which reaffirmed something within me and relit my passion for life…. Life here is short and all the money in the world won’t change that. Living life more simply, without greed is more essential than filling our lives with material things that have little value in our quest for long lasting happiness and peaceful hearts. Life needs to slow right down for us to really see what wonders are around and to connect again with nature and the Universe. It is not that difficult once you change your mind-set and it is so worth the effort. The bottom line is that we need very little in material things, just enough to get by- the rest is out there if you open your heart. I am so full of gratitude for this man I used to know, and through knowing him I am a better person and a better nurse. (Photo is a design by Wendy Andrew, a most wonderful artist)

Closing the Chapter on Bullying!

Well I have to tell you …. I’ve always shut away memories of school but recently I have had contact with someone from my school days who reminded me of what they were like for me. Awful! Not his fault at all that I was reminded of bad times but his association with that time cos we were at the same school. It caused me a sleepless night when old feelings resurfaced and made me look a little closer at what happened.

You see, we lived in the middle of nowhere as kids so outside of school we didn’t have the opportunity to socialise and have close friends. So school was it for us three girls…. School was our connection with the outside world, it was our only opportunity to make friends.

Primary school in the tiny village a mile away from home consisted of no more than 30 pupils and only two other girls of my age. That created so many problems cos it ended up with me being always the one left out. It was a lonely place to be!

Secondary school brought about a completely unexpected situation for me. Not only a massively massive Comprehensive school with several hundred pupils but the nasty jealousies of other girls who made my life hell. They said they hated me because I was pretty and “got with a boy who one of them had been wanting for ages”. This was something that never entered my head. I never saw myself at all as pretty…. I was just me, painfully shy and a bit of a swat. I lived on a Farm and was happy in wellies and old jeans and totally unlike these mega fashionable girls from the Village (which incidentally was a Town really). I caught a school bus every morning which collected us from the edge of the Farm an hour and a half before we had to be at school. We trundled round several villages picking up more and more pupils…. One of those pupils was to be my tormentor for the remainder of my school days…. Joanne Morgan was skinny with black hair and freckles, and the bus picked her up from outside her rather large home. She was vile to me from the minute she got on the bus and it continued ten fold at school once she had a girl crowd around her. The threats, the jibes, the derogatory comments cut deep! She was in the year above me so I had to put up with this for way too long. The other culprit was Kim Murphy. She took a dislike to me and often stole my lunch from me throwing the bread crusts at my feet when she’d finished. She likened the cream cheese in my sandwich to “spunk” and made me eat it whilst telling me over and over what I was eating.

By the time I left school I had so little confidence and those feelings to a certain extent stayed with me into adulthood. Happy ending here though, cos despite the bullies I made something of myself and truly excelled in life. But one thing remained with me and that was my wariness of women as friends! I remained a bit of a loner really preferring to put my trust in what I know is real and what I know will never let me down. More recently though I am establishing girl friendships and learning to trust women again, but it has taken me 40 plus years to do that. I’m happy in my skin now and I love to boost other women so that they feel good about themselves. So no more sleepless nights for me now…..I forgive those bullies, I can’t think why they were so vile but venom like that had to stem from their own insecurities, jealousies and unhappiness. I only hope that they never had to witness their own Daughters go through what they put me through!