New Beginnings

After many years of waiting, jumping through hoops and planning we have finally made it to our beloved Glastonbury. It’s been a long arduous journey but this isn’t the end of that journey, I always knew it would be the beginning for me. Right now I am sitting in our lovely new home, the rain is persistent and doesn’t look like stopping any time soon and I can barely see the Tor for the mist now. Upstairs I can hear Sam happily chatting to his mates on Skype. He thinks everything is just awesome here so I guess he is happy in his space.The cats are both sound asleep and seem quite content to roam around their new territory and watch the cows from the window-sill.
But me? I am a different story at the moment.I have so much unpacking to do but cannot motivate myself to get on and do it. Instead of feeling over-joyed I feel exhausted, depressed and tearful. I don’t have the energy to do anything and believe me there is so much to do. Maybe my ME has caught up with me because on reflection I over-did things for months before we moved and took on way too much. Maybe it’s because every day brings constant pain not just from my ME but from the shoulder injury that I am awaiting surgery for. Maybe this move was not the best for me or the best timing, well, that remains to be seen.
I suppose there will be some who attribute this feeling to something more mystical, like the sheer power of this land being too strong for me. I don’t doubt those powers but I would say to them that they just do not know me and I am much stronger than they give me credit for. Don’t get me wrong if you are reading this far, I am not feeling sorry for myself or being self-indulgent. I am just acknowledging the feelings I have when my expectation was to feel elated. There lies the key partly to this I suppose…that word “expectation”. We all have them – expectations- and I believe they are not always such a good thing to have.
A while ago I came across a quote when I was reading about Alexander Pope, who I wrote about in an earlier Blog about Sherborne Castle……“Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed”. Too right! So from now on maybe I will expect nothing but that means others should expect nothing from me either.
What I truly believe is going on for me personally is that I need time to be insular so that I can re-ground myself again and make the transition to achieve balance again. There’s been too much going on over the past 10 years or so, too much negative energy, too much pressure placed upon me, too much responsibility. I just need space to connect with the land again in a way that only I know without someone telling me I’m “doing it wrong”, or “you need to do it this way or that way”. I think I know me better than anyone else so I ought to be bolder and do it “my way”. So the lessons for life right now have to be about lowering expectations or even removing them and achieving a more comfortable balance for me. So be it!