Reconnecting!

Today is the first extra day off per week until the end of May. I've temporarily reduced my hours at work to spend some essential time to get well again.
I was meant to be going to the Dentist this afternoon which was very disappointing as it would have encroached big time on my day, but thankfully it got cancelled. I wanted to spend the day without plans and to get outdoors for a while.I haven't been able to go out for a walk for as long as I can remember without being governed by time. 
Today was beautiful and sunny, albeit with a cold chilly wind which certainly blew the cobwebs away. I didn't really walk as far as I had intended but that doesn't matter because I have no idea how long I was out ...it was at least two hours! I walked up to Wearyall Hill and ambled over the top with the intention of walking a circuit round. I decided not to do that when I got up there and instead just sat on a bench for ages with the sun on my face just watching, feeling and listening.
I heard the birds for the first time in a long time and watched them foraging in the grass. I noticed much more around me than I have been of late just because I didn't feel r.ushed.
Today was a good day ... I feel like I am using my time wisely

So... I got Cancer!

Gosh it's a long time since I wrote anything for my Blog.

Three weeks ago I was told that I have cancer! Yes me… it can happen to anyone and it seems it is my time to fight it after twenty years working with people with cancer. Some days it seems so surreal but the reality is that it is happening and it is happening to me and my loved ones.

I knew during the winter months last year that I was starting to have problems. I had been dieting from March and lost three stones over about seven months and had felt very well but come November I was starting to notice subtle changes. Over a about a two month period, each week that I saw my diet Consultant I told her that I felt bloated and as if it was that time of the month plus was struggling to go to the loo and lower back pain radiating into my groins. I stopped losing weight despite keeping to the diet and started to feel something was not quite right. Just before Yuletide I was woken in the night with quite severe uterine pain which felt like the most intense period pain I had ever experienced and it took a long time to go away. In hindsight this was to potentially save my life as it prompted me into action. I saw my GP the following day who felt sure that my symptoms were associated with an irregular menstrual cycle given that I was starting the menopause. At first she wondered if it was necessary to investigate further given only one episode of pain but because I knew my own body and felt intuitively that something was not right she arranged a scan. It was Christmas and New Year time so there was a delay with the scan but mid January I went for an Ultra-sound and trans-Vaginal Scan which revealed an Ovarian Cyst. A routine blood test was taken which revealed my CA125 was raised. This was the point where I felt very much that my intuition was right because the CA125 is an Ovarian Cancer marker and something I use in my work to assess patient’s disease progression. But as everyone kept telling me it is not always accurate and can be indicative of other issues such as a Haemorrhagic Ovarian Cyst. Despite this I knew deep down what the score was.

I couldn’t continue to work that day after being given this news! Everything within me was screaming with alarm bells even though people around me were giving reassurances that it would be all ok. Instead I walked around the supermarket gathering ingredients to bake a cake, something that became a coping strategy as time went on. I bumped into friends in the supermarket with their little one and talked normally to them but all the time I felt in a daze. Everything around me became larger than life and I viewed it with a greater clarity. The greenness of the Tor as I drove home, the blueness of the sky, peoples faces, it all took on a depth that I can’t explain as if I was stepping over the threshold into a different world and as if I was having an outer body experience. Inside I felt scared because I might have cancer but at the same time I wanted to believe it was all going to be OK like many kept saying it would be.

I was fast-tracked through the Gynaecology system whereby the Gynaecologist reassured me that it was an Ovarian Cyst and that he was very positive that this was not malignant. He listened to what I had to say about my symptoms and told me that they did not match what he saw clinically because the Cyst was not that big. He said he would remove the affected Ovary because I was concerned about it, which was arranged for just a couple of week’s time. I relayed the good news to family and friends that the Specialist thought I was OK and that it was an Ovarian Cyst and that all would be well. Most people around me accepted this with relief and despite my worries I tried to believe what the Specialist said. I felt like maybe I was imagining my symptoms but I knew my body better than he did and I truly did not share his optimism.

The two weeks leading up to surgery was a real trial because so many seemed to have a story to share, many them seemed not to be taking my situation very seriously and I started to feel that people thought that I was being over dramatic. Maybe they just couldn’t handle the news themselves, I don’t know but it felt hurtful not to be heard. On the flip side I had amazing support from so many others including beautiful magical friends in America who sent energy to me and to Simon to help us get through the surgery. I continued to work until the eve of my operation and managed my patient caseload so that they all knew I would be away for a while.

I went in to Hospital on February 18^th expecting to go home on the same day. Coming round from the anaesthetic I knew automatically that things had not gone to plan because I was on Oxygen, had a drip and a catheter insitu and was kept in over night. No one seemed to be able to tell me anything though so that proved to be a long night of wondering.

The next day was life changing and the beginning of a roller coaster journey for me and all those closest to me. The Specialist came to see me and I could tell by the look on his face there was bad news coming my way. Behind a curtain in a six bedded ward he proceeded to tell me what his findings were and that he had removed both Ovaries with “masses” attached to them which he thought was cancer. I could see he was visibly shocked by his findings and he was apologising to me constantly as he had been certain it was going to be all OK. I found myself trying to reassure him that he wasn’t to know this would happen. In fact I reverted back to Professional mode and spoke as if it was a patient he was talking about and not me…. I felt for him! He told me what would happen and that he would phone me with the pathology results next week. He opened the curtain screens to reveal faces of empathy trying not to look at me but clearly the other ladies had heard what was said. With tears welling in my eyes I thanked him and he left me to it. Why we thank people for telling us the shittiest news ever is beyond me. Patients do that to me all the time. I wanted to cry after he left but I couldn’t. My Mum and Sister arrived shortly after to take me home so I had to tell them the news. The tears weren’t there until I said to them that I didn’t know how I would tell my son, Sam.

The following week I was contacted by the Gynae Oncology Nurse Specialist who asked me to see my Gynaecologist the next day. If all had been well I knew he wouldn’t have wanted to see me as he’d said he would phone. I went the next day and was told very gently that I have stage 2C Ovarian Cancer and would need more surgery and chemotherapy as the cancer is no longer confined to the Ovaries. I sat there taking it all in and I can honestly say that I wasn’t shocked, but felt more relieved to know now that I had not been imagining my symptoms and that I had a label for “this thing”. . I reverted back to professional mode again and felt very calm, asking questions about what now as though it wasn’t me we were talking about really.

Though my emotions are up and down the worst thing about all of this is the hurt it is causing those I love. Seeing my Mum break down in the Hospital, hearing Sam sobbing his heart out in his room terrified at losing me because there’s only ever been him and me, holding my partner Simon tightly in my arms as we sob because we have only really just found each other and the thought of possibly our dreams being torn apart just too painful to bear, hearing my Dad’s voice quivering as he tries to control his shock. It breaks my heart and there’s nothing I can do to lessen their hurt. This wretched disease is never just about the person who has it.  

For me now this is the greatest challenge of my life but also my greatest teaching. With twenty odd years working in Palliative Care I realise how much my patients have taught me and because of them I am equipped to deal with what is a life threatening disease. I can’t begin to tell you how grateful I am to all of those amazing people and I am rising to the challenge and ready to battle. Coping with uncertainty is very difficult as we are no longer able to think too far ahead and being someone who likes to plan and be in control, this is proving to be a real challenge.  

The next step was the CT scan which was not the most pleasant of experiences and one that will stay with me always. I felt unwell that day and very emotional when I saw the Macmillan Cancer Unit. Despite this I had to go with the flow of things and just let people stick needles in me and control my body like it didn’t really belong to me anymore. I have sent so many patients for CT scans and I felt suddenly very uncaring by my lack of empathy for what it’s really like to have unpleasant investigations when you feel so unwell. The CT scan was needed to assess whether the cancer had spread to any of my other organs. The wait for the results of this was almost too much to bear at times and probably the most scary part of this so far. I saw the Gynae Oncology Consultant last week who was very thorough and was keen to operate further to remove the Uterus, Omentum, Lymph nodes and any other sign of disease visible. Debaulking he called it which in effect is a clearing out of all cancer to give the chemo a better chance of mopping up what is left. He provisionally booked the date for surgery for 11^th March but after discussion with the Oncology Team the next day I was told that they favoured waiting for the pathology which was expected from London very soon. This is because the surgery would be very extensive and it may be better to have chemo first then surgery. Back to waiting again and probably something that everyone in my position finds difficult!

To finish this first Blog about my Cancer experience I want to say to ALL women out there to be vigilant and to know your own bodies! You know your body better than anyone else; you know your cycle and your usual patterns. Please don’t delay seeking advice from your GP because it could save your life believe me. If you have a collection of any of the symptoms like I had of bloating, increasing fatigue, constipation, lower back pain, needing to wee frequently, a feeling of fullness when eating, uterine pain and irregular menstrual cycle don’t ignore them. The least you should expect is an Ultra Sound scan and a blood test to check your C125. Don’t settle for anything less ladies!

The Lady on the Moor

The Lady on the Moor appears at first glance to be of no consequence. She goes about her daily routine as any other. But she harbours a huge secret only but a few will know. One that sets her apart from everyone else … one that leaves her feeling worthless and less of a person than anyone else. Her heart beating strong and so full of life, her eyes so bright and sparkly, her voice so calm and reassuring, her demeanour so serene and poised. She is oh so loving and vibrant and it is hard to imagine that her secret could be so bad that she would choose to wander the moor alone.

It was so long ago that a dark masculine force ravaged her core and severed her soul. Since that day she has fought with a warrior spirit for its return to feel whole again. Despite its return she all too often feels empty and alone. She cries inside to be loved and held. She screams silently in her head to feel safe and secure. She yearns to love deeply and be loved back. She longs for the deep passion that resides within her to be unleashed. So she continues with her outward persona of happiness and she vows to find her true love that holds the key to unlock the shackles of her secret.

Elsewhere the Vultures are in the shadows picking away at her mistakes like it does not matter and they revel in the pain they cause her. Will they not be happy until they have picked away all her flesh to leave her body an empty shell? They have no understanding of her and why she is as she is. They have no desire to walk a mile in her shoes to feel the sadness that she has endured. Instead they look on her with disdain and dislike with complete disregard for her life.

The Lady on the Moor treads in silence outside at dusk and looks out into the darkness descending upon her. The dark mists envelop her physical form and penetrate deep into her soul. She feels the cold wind biting at her heart. Strands of hair cling to the tears on her face. Looking at the bleak moorland landscape she feels at home and safe from the Vultures. Connected to the land with bare feet she has roots reaching deep in to the core of the Earth that feeds her life force. 

She sees a face in the distance and he reaches out to her. She shakily takes his hand and gently pulls him towards her to feel his warmth and his gentle kisses. He too feels immense pain but they are kindred spirits and agree to share their journey. Old friends soon begin to dance around in front of her distracting her from the beauty that is to be found on this new journey of beautiful, fulfilling and knowing love. These old friends call themselves rejection, fear, possessiveness, control and jealousy.  She closes her eyes to them but she still hears them whispering their doubts in her ear. She makes a new pact with herself that these old friends will not spoil this new found passion and she continues the journey with a determined warrior spirit once more to leave them behind. But those old friends were actually her intuition, the wild woman instinct sent to protect her from harm. Ignoring their pleas she bounded ahead throwing caution to the wind. Suddenly the hand that had taken hers so gently snatched away from her and retreated back into the mist with such force that she span out of control into the darkness once more. Since taking his hand she had spent every waking moment at his request nurturing him, healing him, loving him and he was now gone back to another. All that they shared seemed not to have mattered to him and her tears began to flow and they flowed with so much pain and despair. She did she not listen to her instincts, the ancient woman's wisdom and she pays dearly yet again. She knows his journey now will be of such uncertainty and all her healing will be undone. He was blinded by sentiment and insecurities and he had no strength left to continue the less trodden path but she is powerless to save him now.

The Lady on the Moor disappears into the dark mists again and silently cries deep within her cold and bitter body. She stifles the primal screams of sadness so that no one will hear and continues to walk through the darkness barefoot trying once more to connect with her beloved land. Her eyes averted downwards and her spirit broken she vows never to succumb completely to the wounded adult calls again. Then she remembers that this pain will pass and as with each season that passes new hope will evolve and she will survive. But for now she must grieve for what she had and for what she lost.

Don't "Diss" your Sisterhood!

Audrey Hepburn is one of my favourite woman-kind of all time and I love her quote “You can tell more about a person by what he/she says about others than you can by what others says about him/her”. Too true Sister!

You can picture the scene can’t you?  You sit down at a table next to a group of women when you over-hear them talking in excited, hushed tones in the most damning, derogatory way about another woman? I have witnessed the scene many times myself and been quite glad that it wasn’t me they were talking about. But I have to say that I have been on the receiving end of this kind of tongue-lashing a few times too and found it very distressing and felt completely betrayed through it. To a certain extent I appreciate male company more than female for this very reason; except for the handful of genuine, authentic “Wild Women” friends that I have the honour of connecting with.

Now, I parted ways with some relief this year with a female friend who did or rather still does diss her sisterhood. I am ashamed to say that I have sat with her whilst she has divulged the most intimate of details regarding mutual friends. I cringe to the highest degree that I was party to one conversation that resulted in me knowing one particular friend had never achieved an Orgasm in her fourty-something years! I am quite sure that this information was never meant to be up for general discussion behind her back and that it was only shared after a lot of soul searching and courage with just one person…. And that person betrayed her big-time through repeating it! I could write many more instances but you get the picture right? … This woman and those like her are never happier than when they are surrounded by a captive audience spilling the beans on other women with the utmost glee and delight thus giving everyone there the benefit of their skewed thoughts and perceptions of other women and girl-friends.

Dissing your sisterhood really is the most unattractive habit to witness, both for men and other women. Whilst you sit there happily taking in all that dirt and grime just think about what she will be saying about you behind your backs girls. That is guaranteed to make you think twice about being a part of such a vile activity. But I am interested in why women do this because men don’t do they? Lots of research has gone into the differences in how men and women communicate and it is well documented that women tend to talk over a problem or issue with their peers until they feel satisfied that it is resolved and they have a solution. But dissing your sisterhood is different to that. To me it is more unclear as to why some women sit happily slagging other women off but when you research more into this there are common themes that evolve regarding those who do it.

It seems that those women who diss their sisterhood are very much showing their own personal insecurities and imperfections. They huddle together gathering all those who will listen, which is usually the same girl-kind each time. They want to feel secure, popular, needed and intelligent. They observe traits, beauty, possessions or whatever in another woman that they themselves would like to possess but instead of thinking “go-girl, you have done well” or “you are gorgeous, good for you” they instead feel the need to rip them apart and somehow make them appear ugly, fake and failures. It is pretty obvious to me that women who diss their sisterhood are reflecting what they feel about themselves… but through their jealous ugly words they don’t see that they are reinforcing their own unhappiness and negativity. If only they would step back and realise that they hold the key to their own success, beauty and happiness.

Next time you hear this going on just take a look at the perpetrator and notice their imperfections (we all have them), their voice tone and their posture and ask yourself two questions. Do you see how visibly unhappy, bitter and jealous they are? Do you personally want that negativity in your own life? After all, life is tough enough for us all, whether male or female, without adding to it. We are sharing this life journey on Earth for a long time so why don’t we start 2013 by showing more kindness, compassion and humility towards our sisterhood and stop dissing other women… I am sure it will make the world a happier place for all of us but most of all the ones who are insistent on being carrying out this awful pastime

Honouring Jacintha

Please note that I work in the Health Profession and therefore my views are based on my own experience over the 25 plus years in the Nursing profession.What I write here is not a reflection of what I find within my current employment.


It’s just over a week since Jacintha Saldanha committed suicide by hanging herself with a scarf. I was absolutely gutted to hear the news and even more gutted to hear the cause. She was an outstanding Nurse with a lot of experience and I consider her to be a kindred spirit and a peer who will be missed hugely in her profession. I have been growing more concerned over her death as the week has gone on and wanted to write something to honour this beautiful soul and write from a nurse’s perspective. 

Over the past week I have read various views on social media about Jacintha’s actions, most of which are hugely compassionate and caring. However, some people have remarked on how it could ever be possible to mistake two Australian DJ’s for Royal family members. Some have remarked that there must have been something else going on in her life for her to kill herself for “this”. I read these comments with disgust for it shows a complete lack of understanding of human nature and the confusion and desperation that Jacintha must have felt regarding her situation. It also shows a lack of understanding and complete disregard of the blame culture present in the health care profession.

I have been a Nurse for over 25 years now and I have worked in the NHS and Charity sector for much of that. What I can tell you here from experience is that Jacintha must have felt totally alone and enormously fearful for her future given her situation at that time. This was no ordinary situation; this was an absolute embarrassment for the Hospital on the biggest scale you could imagine. The breach in confidentiality was not against a member of ‘Joe Public’ but was the future Heir and King of England’s Wife. I believe completely without a doubt that the Hospital, a private Hospital reliant on reputation, will not have taken that well. Jacintha will have felt the immense pressure and wrath of the management and senior Nurses to such a degree that she would not have known which way to turn. Please believe me when I tell you this would have been the case. 

The reality of this is that Jacintha was a loving Wife and Mother and was staying in London only to work so she didn't have family support around her. She could not have returned home to Bristol without a media furore surrounding her as soon as she left her work base home. Even the most experienced celebrities with their PR gurus struggle with that type of media pressure so I can not imagine what Jacintha was feeling. She was not in her native country and must have felt a million miles away from home. On top of that she would have been facing Hospital management and seniors who would have seemed extremely intimidating to a Nurse under those circumstances. They would have been absolutely furious to learn that their Hospital was in the ‘limelight’ for confidentiality issues regarding Royalty and working within an environment of “Blame Culture” they would want answers. As a human being and a Nurse I can tell you that Jacintha would have been completely falling apart at the seams and with very little support available to her. 

It has been alleged that Jacintha wrote three suicide notes during her two attempts to take her life. One to her beloved family, one to the DJ’s where she laid responsibility for her death at their feet and the third note was reputed to criticise certain members of the Hospital staff. This confirms what I believed happened to Jacintha. No sensitive, caring, compassionate human being would have been able to cope with the enormity of this situation without a great deal of support and care. In my opinion Jacintha would have been a strong capable lady, you need to be in the Nursing profession and taking her own life was not a sign of weakness but a sign of sheer desperation given her circumstances. My heart feels heavy to think that we lost such a wonderful Nurse but it feels even heavier when I think of her two children without a Mother. Was her life worth more than the Hospital reputation? Was it worth more than a stupid prank? Of course it was! 

If I could say anything to Jacintha right now it would be to say you did not do anything wrong and I so wish that I, someone, anyone could have reached you and taken care of you. Thank you for your dedication and compassion as a Nurse, you will be greatly missed. To her family I want to say that I am sorry we let Jacintha down and that this cannot be the end of the matter. Whatever led to Jacintha taking her own life must be shared with you so that you can understand and make sense of your loss. My heartfelt love and sincere condolences go to you all.

Full Moon Dreamin'

Oh sometimes, just sometimes I wanna dream… dream of better times and a world of opposites! Life is tough right now for me. Not because of money, possessions or anything like that but simply because no one has a conscience and no one really truly cares. That’s tough for me because I do not belong to a world like that. Feelin ‘kinda weird and sad about that tonight!

It’s a full moon and the sky is lit up with such an outstanding beauty that running inside to get the camera just would not do that kind of beauty justice. Who bothers to see that beauty anymore? Would many people really care too much if the moon disappeared? We take so much for granted but one day there will be such a rude awakening ~ for one day it will all be gone!

Ya’ know sometimes I really want to run away! Run away to the cluster of trees on the hill and watch mankind scurrying around carrying on with what it carries on with. I am really unhappy living in the human world right now. It is such a cruel, heartless and soul-less world that I have no place in. Too many people out there hurt and maim and run rough-shod over the vulnerable and defenceless. Where does it end?

Secretly my ideal would be to live in isolation and far away from people (well maybe with just a little company) with no lies and no pretence. I have had too much of that throughout my life and it is not something that I would ever allow again. When people pretend it is more obvious than they would ever realise yet they think they have created an illusion….  but for me it’s just a matter of time before they trip themselves up. But is that worth waiting for? No of course it isn't  I am astute, I am perceptive and my senses are all intact and I know that Karma will always come back and have its day but whilst that is happening I am long gone believe me!

Where did the fairytale go…that fairytale from childhood? All those hopes to make the world a better place… just fading year on year! I will always have that hope but I won’t stand still waiting for people to catch up. Instead I choose to run wild and free … I am a wild woman of ancient blood and I will live with the authenticity that I have been gifted with and maybe just maybe people out there will catch up. If they don’t I will have loadsa fun living in my dream-world. My own little world where I live as one with nature, the elements, the seasons, wild creatures ~ I can dance and sing like no-one is watching… a world where I can love wholly and be loved back without pretence. Not much to ask for when you look at it like that…. But actually it is not a reality that sits on my doorstep right now that’s for sure!

Dearest Bob, in the Summerlands.

This Blog is a very personal rambling note to someone I love dearly and who is missed every single day twelve years on following a fatal car accident. If you too have experienced the sheer pain of losing someone you love and you silently scream from within, like your heart has been ripped from you, I send you my sincerest heartfelt love, blessings and empathy... We as a family know your pain as do many others! For those around you I hope they tread your path gently and surround you with love and compassion. As a family we have been gifted by Bob's passing with such love that my heart feels it can sing again. But for today this Blog feels painful!

Oh Bob, it’s been twelve years since you were taken away from us. It feels like only least year yet at the same time it feels like a million years ago that I last held you, last watched your gorgeous smiley face beaming at me, cringed at the way you always acted like you hadn't seen me for years in public just to make everyone stop and stare and I can still see the way your hair fell across your face and you would brush it away with your hand. I miss those days.. I miss you so much Bob… we ALL do!

You always had the ability to light up the room when you walked in. I say walked but it was more like a real “swagger”. Gosh, that’s a very modern word but in our day referred to the way someone walked with a kind of 'couldn't care less' attitude. That unmistakable walk of yours, Sam has inherited which includes the very long hair. When I drop him at College and watch him walk away I can’t help but smile and I often wait a little bit longer than I need to just to watch him. It is strangely comforting to know that some of your particularly unique characteristics live on.

There are countless times when I can almost see you. I used to be afraid that I would forget what you looked like but I needn't have though because you are imprinted on my mind and it is really easy to see you wherever I go. Time has been the great healer but grief is cyclical and every now and again I feel the pain deep in my core of losing you again and it reduces me to tears. The last time I felt that depth of pain, apart from today, was a few weeks ago. We were all together again as a family and it was just the most wonderful time ever. But Bob you weren't there to share it with us and I know you would have been in your element acting the fool and loving every minute of it. You always had such eternal youth and the ability to relate to the younger family members. As we all went our separate ways again there were many tears and not just from me I hasten to add. I looked around at all our family and their lovely happy faces after a wonderful weekend together. I suddenly felt an overwhelming grief and a huge knot in my stomach as I realised that next time we get together one of us may not be here… just like you weren't  I sobbed .. really sobbed. I am just not ready to lose anyone else! Yet I know that life deals these devastating blows at any time just like when you were taken from us, and I know I will never be truly ready for that. All of our family are so special and I need them to always know that I love them so deeply and would do anything for them. I know they all feel this way too. I realise how much your passing has taught us that life can be too short and that it is so important to love each other. I think your legacy has been just that in our family… never overlook a chance to say I love you and make the most of each other in this life because we don’t know what is around the corner.

Life changed for us all the day we lost you. No chance to say goodbye to you, no last chance to say how much you are loved, no chance for you to one day know your Daughter, no chance to hug you one last time cos holding your lifeless body at the Funeral Directors was just not the same. By the way the baby blue shroud just didn't go with your Denim jacket~ not a good look Bob!  The list of ‘last times to’ … is endless. To be honest we could have been given countless chances for all that and it would never have been long enough and we would never have been ready to let you go. I am sure the lady who was first on the scene of your accident  remembers that day as vividly as we all do. What a terrible ordeal for her but thank goodness she drove that way and discovered you so quickly and to her I send my love and blessings as I am sure she will be thinking of you today. Here in Somerset last week it had been a year since the M5 pile-up and my thoughts were with the families who are feeling what we felt on the first anniversary of losing someone. On the evening news there was a piece on the memorial plaque and service that was held a year on. It was also attended by members of the emergency services and I remembered how wonderful the Air Ambulance had been, how they tried to save you but it was too late, how amazing the traffic Police were to us as a family. One particular Police man has a special place in my heart because he was the first there on that fateful day. He took us to the scene of your accident and explained to us what had actually happened and that you would not have known anything about what happened. He was the most compassionate and patient man who went through things for us over and over because we just couldn't take it in. We couldn't understand how you aqua-planed across the road in the floods into the smallest freakin’ tree ever that did ALL that damage. I will truly never forget his kindness and I hope he knows how much it helped us as a family to have him around. I honour his courage and his caring soul for doing that kind of job because he made a difference.

I want to say so much to you Bob, in my way I do talk to you but it just isn't the same. For now I just want you to know that we ALL miss you and love you to bits. There isn't a day goes by when we don’t think of you or are reminded of you for some reason or another… One day we will be together again but right now we have reason to be here on this Earth until we are reunited.

I love you Bob! x