This Blog is a very personal rambling note to someone I love dearly and who is missed every single day twelve years on following a fatal car accident. If you too have experienced the sheer pain of losing someone you love and you silently scream from within, like your heart has been ripped from you, I send you my sincerest heartfelt love, blessings and empathy... We as a family know your pain as do many others! For those around you I hope they tread your path gently and surround you with love and compassion. As a family we have been gifted by Bob's passing with such love that my heart feels it can sing again. But for today this Blog feels painful!
Oh Bob, it’s been twelve
years since you were taken away from us. It feels like only least year yet at
the same time it feels like a million years ago that I last held you, last
watched your gorgeous smiley face beaming at me, cringed at the way you always acted
like you hadn't seen me for years in public just to make everyone stop and
stare and I can still see the way your hair fell across your face and you would
brush it away with your hand. I miss those days.. I miss you so much Bob… we
ALL do!
You always had the ability
to light up the room when you walked in. I say walked but it was more like a
real “swagger”. Gosh, that’s a very modern word but in our day referred to the
way someone walked with a kind of 'couldn't care less' attitude. That
unmistakable walk of yours, Sam has inherited which includes the very long hair.
When I drop him at College and watch him walk away I can’t help but smile and I
often wait a little bit longer than I need to just to watch him. It is
strangely comforting to know that some of your particularly unique
characteristics live on.
There are countless times
when I can almost see you. I used to be afraid that I would forget what you
looked like but I needn't have though because you are imprinted on my mind and
it is really easy to see you wherever I go. Time has been the great healer but grief is
cyclical and every now and again I feel the pain deep in my core of losing you
again and it reduces me to tears. The last time I felt that depth of pain,
apart from today, was a few weeks ago. We were all together again as a family
and it was just the most wonderful time ever. But Bob you weren't there to
share it with us and I know you would have been in your element acting the fool
and loving every minute of it. You always had such eternal youth and the
ability to relate to the younger family members. As we all went our separate
ways again there were many tears and not just from me I hasten to add. I looked
around at all our family and their lovely happy faces after a wonderful weekend
together. I suddenly felt an overwhelming grief and a huge knot in my stomach as
I realised that next time we get together one of us may not be here… just like
you weren't I sobbed .. really sobbed. I am just not ready to lose anyone
else! Yet I know that life deals these devastating blows at any time just like
when you were taken from us, and I know I will never be truly ready for that.
All of our family are so special and I need them to always know that I love
them so deeply and would do anything for them. I know they all feel this way too. I realise how much your passing
has taught us that life can be too short and that it is so important to love
each other. I think your legacy has been just that in our family… never
overlook a chance to say I love you and make the most of each other in this
life because we don’t know what is around the corner.
Life changed for us all the
day we lost you. No chance to say goodbye to you, no last chance to say how
much you are loved, no chance for you to one day know your Daughter, no chance
to hug you one last time cos holding your lifeless body at the Funeral
Directors was just not the same. By the way the baby blue shroud just didn't go with your Denim jacket~ not a good look Bob! The
list of ‘last times to’ … is endless. To be honest we could have been given
countless chances for all that and it would never have been long enough and we
would never have been ready to let you go. I am sure the lady who
was first on the scene of your accident remembers that day as vividly as we all
do. What a terrible ordeal for her but thank goodness she drove that way and
discovered you so quickly and to her I send my love and blessings as I am sure she will be thinking of you today. Here in Somerset last week it had been a year since
the M5 pile-up and my thoughts were with the families who are feeling what we
felt on the first anniversary of losing someone. On the evening news there was
a piece on the memorial plaque and service that was held a year on. It was also
attended by members of the emergency services and I remembered how wonderful
the Air Ambulance had been, how they tried to save you but it was too late, how amazing the traffic
Police were to us as a family. One particular Police man has a special place in
my heart because he was the first there on that fateful day. He took us to the
scene of your accident and explained to us what had actually happened and that
you would not have known anything about what happened. He was the most
compassionate and patient man who went through things for us over and over
because we just couldn't take it in. We couldn't understand how you aqua-planed
across the road in the floods into the smallest freakin’ tree ever that did ALL that damage.
I will truly never forget his kindness and I hope he knows how much it helped
us as a family to have him around. I honour his courage and his caring soul for
doing that kind of job because he made a difference.
I want to say so much to you
Bob, in my way I do talk to you but it just isn't the same. For now I just want
you to know that we ALL miss you and love you to bits. There isn't a day goes
by when we don’t think of you or are reminded of you for some reason or another…
One day we will be together again but right now we have reason to be here on
this Earth until we are reunited.
I love you Bob! x
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