Samhain is upon us again!

Tonight I am sitting in the dark and at 3 o’clock in the morning the house is so still… Outside I can see the cows all lying down in the field in the Full Moon light with the silhouette of Glastonbury Tor watching over us. It feels kinda special to be in this moment resting back into the arms of Gaia …calm, reassuring and sacred!

It has been such a funny old day today with the Universe working in very mysterious ways: a bit of a jolt in to reality in some ways. In addition to that it is Samhain, which I feel in every fibre of my being right now. On this magically auspicious day I am honouring and giving grateful thanks for my wonderful Ancestors who shaped me into the person I am today. I have been gifted with a huge family and many of us got together last weekend for a Wedding in the Lake District. As I left everyone I sobbed… really sobbed like I haven’t done before. This wasn’t just a few shed tears but a real pain in my core and wrench of emotion from the solar plexus. I didn’t understand exactly what this was about at the time but have pondered on it these last few days and I feel Samhain has a lot to do with the raw emotion of last Sunday plus a heavy influence from Lady Luna herself as she shows her full splendour. The depth of the emotion I felt was the realisation that my family are the ones I can always rely on and trust implicitly without judgment. They are the ones who have never let me down and the ones to lift me when I am down. That is very humbling and is where the raw emotion came from that day I am sure.

Every year at Samhain I give thanks and honour family members who have passed over but this year there is an immense feeling of connection with them. I am so proud of my Ancestors and of their gutsy hard-working attitude to life. For me there is one beautiful lady who I idolised when growing up and I still do actually. My gorgeous Nana, Connie, who passed over in 1987 yet to me never went away and still guides me today. Connie was a no-messing hard working lady who had a tough life and she was the heart and soul of our family. She would watch with a knowing look in her eyes and not much passed on by her. The pain I felt when she passed over was like nothing I had experienced before and like many others, losing a Grand-Parent was my first encounter with true grief. I am incredibly lucky to have Connie’s unstoppable determination and survival instinct and in times of upset and anguish I still see her beautiful silvery hair, rosy-cheeked face and I hear her voice say “It’ll be alright lovey”. She made everything right in a way nobody else could. I love you to bits Connie and I know you always understood me!

Family is foremost in my mind right now with seeing so many last weekend. When I think of my younger years the women in our family were amazing role models so it was very special to be able to spend time with some of them again. Their generously loving hearts, passion for life, gentle grace, incredibly deep love of animals and nature, their wit and humour and their unrelenting resolve to overcome life’s difficulties influenced me and made me into the person I am today. I honour the sacred place they have in my life right now and give thanks for that they are still here.

So this year for me Samhain is more about Family, my blood family and my soul family of just a few friends who I bestow with that title. It is about knowing my place in the world of Paganism and being true to myself ~ “walking my walk and talking my talk” which there isn’t enough of in this world, believe me!. It’s about leaving behind that which is shallow and hollow in the Pagan world of late and not following the “crowd”. It’s about a new consciousness in me that I do not fit with some of what is going on and I won’t be a part of it. My path has become much more solitary without intention and I embrace that this Samhain and move forward with it into a wonderful new year.

Have a very Blessed Samhain everyone.

(Photo is Connie~taken in around 1940)

An Historical Love Story.

I have to confess that I loved the last two series of Downton Abbey and am most eagerly awaiting the next series in the autumn. The very sound of the theme tune makes me want to jump up and down with glee because I just love what it brings. Cup of Earl Grey tea, biscuit and an hour’s indulgence of historical wonderment!

One of my lifelong passions has to be British history and there is nothing I love more than anything in life but to immerse myself in times gone by and to get up close to our Ancestors. This probably stems from where we grew up with Shugborough Hall, Iron Bridge, the Potteries and the Black Country on our doorstep. There was a big old Hall once upon a time at Teddesley where we lived and all that remained there as children were the servant’s quarters. We used to walk the dog around the grounds and despite the fact that nothing remained of the Hall itself; I could almost feel the splendour of its day with every footstep I took. It was inhabited by the Littleton and Hatherton families since it was built in the mid 1700’s and it saw such enormous change in the world… quite similar to what we saw in Downton Abbey!

I had the most treasured gift from my Dad when I was forty of a fabulous book entitled “The Diaries of The First Lord Hatherton”. It is a book of extracts from the diaries of the First Lord Hatherton between 1817 and 1862 and I was so enthralled by its contents that I couldn’t put it down.

The First Lord Hatherton moved to Teddesley Hall in 1812. He was a British Politician in the times of the Canningite Tories and then later the Whigs. His diaries give us such a delightful insight into life back then in the political world and how life was in the heart of the Industrial Revolution. Lord Hatherton seemed to me to be such forward thinking a man with his innovative work in improving the land through proper drainage, his pedigree live stock and his commitment to raising the standard of living within the local community. His diaries do however expose his vulnerability due to the rapidly changing world around him during the Railway Mania days ~ which isn’t so unlike how we all feel at times nowadays with new advancements in technology. He did come to terms with the changes, but it is his vulnerability that invites me to greatly appreciate this man who has become very real and likable to me over the years.


But the greatest admiration I have for Lord Hatherton is the deep love he quite openly shared and demonstrated in his diaries for his dear wife Hyacinthe. It is she who I am quite mesmorised by because of what he wrote and so wish I could find out more about her. Hyacinthe was the Daughter of the First Marquis Wellesley whose Brother was the Iron Duke; and her Mother was an actress, Hyacinthe-Gabrielle. Her Mother had three sons and two Daughters before her Father married her and she was scorned by High Society when they moved from Paris to London in 1794 because illegitimacy at that time was a real sin.


Hyacinthe married Lord Hatherton in 1812 and this proved to be the most wonderful love affair for the duration of their marriage and one that many women would envy. Lord Hatherton frequently wrote in his diaries of the love and admiration he felt for his Wife and at times it felt as though he was in awe of this beautiful lady. He wrote on December 21st 1831 “I have this day been married 19 years and have enjoyed one continued course of the most unqualified happiness with one whose temper, cheerfulness, gentleness, benevolence, beauty and manners have seldom, if ever been surpassed in one person”. There were so many adorable diary entries where he wrote of his marriage to Hyacinthe being the most fortunate day of his life but on their 32nd Wedding Anniversary, their last, he wrote that it was “a day that must ever more be sacred in my recollections”. The heart felt sadness in his diary entries from that day until Hyacinthe died was tangible and touched me deeply. He knew he was losing his true love and he spent much time with her reading the Bible or talking to her whilst she lay dying with cancer. The poor trailed to Teddesley and she agreed to see them despite being desperately ill. Hyacinthe died in January 1849 aged 60 with her beloved Husband holding her hand. Wonderful obituaries were written and the local community and school children lined the road to the Church on the day of her funeral and openly mourned the loss of such a great woman.

During Hyacinthe’s life, she was clearly not a woman to rest on her laurels even though she could quite easily have done so. She was a rather beautiful and magnificent character who showed much concern for the local people. She visited the poor and listened to their problems. She over saw the local school and was obviously well loved by the workers on the Teddesley Estate and the poor people of Penkridge. Despite her wealth she seemed to be a down to earth kind lady who performed many generous acts of charity.

It was her Husband who held the public attention but like with so many great men, there is an even greater woman behind them. I am glad to know that Hyacinthe’s life was valued and remembered by so many and I give thanks for all that she did for people but also for the Sisterhood

New Beginnings

After many years of waiting, jumping through hoops and planning we have finally made it to our beloved Glastonbury. It’s been a long arduous journey but this isn’t the end of that journey, I always knew it would be the beginning for me. Right now I am sitting in our lovely new home, the rain is persistent and doesn’t look like stopping any time soon and I can barely see the Tor for the mist now. Upstairs I can hear Sam happily chatting to his mates on Skype. He thinks everything is just awesome here so I guess he is happy in his space.The cats are both sound asleep and seem quite content to roam around their new territory and watch the cows from the window-sill.
But me? I am a different story at the moment.I have so much unpacking to do but cannot motivate myself to get on and do it. Instead of feeling over-joyed I feel exhausted, depressed and tearful. I don’t have the energy to do anything and believe me there is so much to do. Maybe my ME has caught up with me because on reflection I over-did things for months before we moved and took on way too much. Maybe it’s because every day brings constant pain not just from my ME but from the shoulder injury that I am awaiting surgery for. Maybe this move was not the best for me or the best timing, well, that remains to be seen.
I suppose there will be some who attribute this feeling to something more mystical, like the sheer power of this land being too strong for me. I don’t doubt those powers but I would say to them that they just do not know me and I am much stronger than they give me credit for. Don’t get me wrong if you are reading this far, I am not feeling sorry for myself or being self-indulgent. I am just acknowledging the feelings I have when my expectation was to feel elated. There lies the key partly to this I suppose…that word “expectation”. We all have them – expectations- and I believe they are not always such a good thing to have.
A while ago I came across a quote when I was reading about Alexander Pope, who I wrote about in an earlier Blog about Sherborne Castle……“Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed”. Too right! So from now on maybe I will expect nothing but that means others should expect nothing from me either.
What I truly believe is going on for me personally is that I need time to be insular so that I can re-ground myself again and make the transition to achieve balance again. There’s been too much going on over the past 10 years or so, too much negative energy, too much pressure placed upon me, too much responsibility. I just need space to connect with the land again in a way that only I know without someone telling me I’m “doing it wrong”, or “you need to do it this way or that way”. I think I know me better than anyone else so I ought to be bolder and do it “my way”. So the lessons for life right now have to be about lowering expectations or even removing them and achieving a more comfortable balance for me. So be it!

"A Man I used to know"

As I walked into the room I could see him lying peacefully in his bed, each breath could have been his last. I rested my hand gently on his head. That small gesture gave me great insight into this mans life even though it was ebbing away as I stood beside him. I could feel the bones of his skull through his thinned hair and as I looked at his facial contours his cheek bones were so prominent underneath such pale skin. Painfully thin now from the ravages of cancer, he was sadly a shadow of his physical self. His whole body was weak from years of fighting and now he was dying. He opened his eyes and tried to smile as he whispered hello and took my hand. His bright blue eyes were still twinkly and full of hope…. Hope was for a peaceful journey now as he continued on rather than hope to live longer with this disease. It was not that he wanted to leave this world because he certainly did not, but he told me he knew he would continue to evolve spiritually and that this was not the end for him. I stroked his hair just for short while and then just sat in stillness with him whilst holding his hand. I had shared his journey for just over a year, through each stage of acceptance as he moved from one stage of his disease to another. As I sat with him my thoughts turned to his sparse home in Glastonbury and how little he owned in material things in this world. Glastonbury was his spiritual home and like many he had chosen to live there to be closer to like-minded people and to be more at one with his beliefs. I thought more about all that he stood for in this life and the richness and wealth he had were hugely apparent to me; yet those riches were neither tangible nor measurable in monetary or material terms. It was more about what he had become through living life with simplicity and goodness, which had allowed his spiritual and higher self to be nurtured and to blossom. He was a father and his children had learned so much from him. The way they held their Dad’s hand through all of this was so touching and I would watch them tenderly walk beside him giving him strength and encouragement. They were so young yet they had wisdom beyond their years; their Dad’s legacy I am very certain of. This man, so desperately ill to look at appeared to exude peace and serenity with every breath he took. I felt overwhelmed with emotion as I felt this through my fingertips and I wanted to cry. Instead, I took a few deep breaths and I continued to just be, and through the unspoken I absorbed the lessons of this special moment. He became more wakeful for a while and I helped him to change position to rest back down. This always seemed to be on his right side facing out on to the beautiful gardens at the Hospice, he told me he needed that connection with nature, with the universe and he wanted to be able to see the sky as it passed from day to night and back to day again. The Pagan Wheel of the Year gave him focus and he knew life would continue with the eternal process of death and rebirth. He told me in one of our conversations that “this is not the end for me. I have so much I still want to do but it won’t be here! I know I will go on and on and on just like the wheel of the year”. Each day I would give Blessings to him with the sacred waters that I had collected from the Chalice Well and the Whitesprings. He would take a few sips of the water and then allow me to cleanse his face and hands with the calming cool waters. I can’t remember all that I said to him but the words just seemed to flow intuitively as I gently spoke about letting go and continuing his journey. He took comfort that someone was giving him permission to let go and was acknowledging that all was OK. He wanted me to do this every day for almost a week before he left this world and each day brought different words of comfort or described different paths through the Chalice Well gardens as we journeyed together in an almost guided mediation. His journey continues but not on this Earth. I took the lessons from those precious moments we shared which reaffirmed something within me and relit my passion for life…. Life here is short and all the money in the world won’t change that. Living life more simply, without greed is more essential than filling our lives with material things that have little value in our quest for long lasting happiness and peaceful hearts. Life needs to slow right down for us to really see what wonders are around and to connect again with nature and the Universe. It is not that difficult once you change your mind-set and it is so worth the effort. The bottom line is that we need very little in material things, just enough to get by- the rest is out there if you open your heart. I am so full of gratitude for this man I used to know, and through knowing him I am a better person and a better nurse. (Photo is a design by Wendy Andrew, a most wonderful artist)

Closing the Chapter on Bullying!

Well I have to tell you …. I’ve always shut away memories of school but recently I have had contact with someone from my school days who reminded me of what they were like for me. Awful! Not his fault at all that I was reminded of bad times but his association with that time cos we were at the same school. It caused me a sleepless night when old feelings resurfaced and made me look a little closer at what happened.

You see, we lived in the middle of nowhere as kids so outside of school we didn’t have the opportunity to socialise and have close friends. So school was it for us three girls…. School was our connection with the outside world, it was our only opportunity to make friends.

Primary school in the tiny village a mile away from home consisted of no more than 30 pupils and only two other girls of my age. That created so many problems cos it ended up with me being always the one left out. It was a lonely place to be!

Secondary school brought about a completely unexpected situation for me. Not only a massively massive Comprehensive school with several hundred pupils but the nasty jealousies of other girls who made my life hell. They said they hated me because I was pretty and “got with a boy who one of them had been wanting for ages”. This was something that never entered my head. I never saw myself at all as pretty…. I was just me, painfully shy and a bit of a swat. I lived on a Farm and was happy in wellies and old jeans and totally unlike these mega fashionable girls from the Village (which incidentally was a Town really). I caught a school bus every morning which collected us from the edge of the Farm an hour and a half before we had to be at school. We trundled round several villages picking up more and more pupils…. One of those pupils was to be my tormentor for the remainder of my school days…. Joanne Morgan was skinny with black hair and freckles, and the bus picked her up from outside her rather large home. She was vile to me from the minute she got on the bus and it continued ten fold at school once she had a girl crowd around her. The threats, the jibes, the derogatory comments cut deep! She was in the year above me so I had to put up with this for way too long. The other culprit was Kim Murphy. She took a dislike to me and often stole my lunch from me throwing the bread crusts at my feet when she’d finished. She likened the cream cheese in my sandwich to “spunk” and made me eat it whilst telling me over and over what I was eating.

By the time I left school I had so little confidence and those feelings to a certain extent stayed with me into adulthood. Happy ending here though, cos despite the bullies I made something of myself and truly excelled in life. But one thing remained with me and that was my wariness of women as friends! I remained a bit of a loner really preferring to put my trust in what I know is real and what I know will never let me down. More recently though I am establishing girl friendships and learning to trust women again, but it has taken me 40 plus years to do that. I’m happy in my skin now and I love to boost other women so that they feel good about themselves. So no more sleepless nights for me now…..I forgive those bullies, I can’t think why they were so vile but venom like that had to stem from their own insecurities, jealousies and unhappiness. I only hope that they never had to witness their own Daughters go through what they put me through!

Learning to make choices!

Well the festive season is nearly behind us and my thoughts are excitedly turning to new ideas, new motivations and new priorities! But somehow I need to acknowledge some of what I have observed and felt over this Winter Solstice period before I leave it behind and turn my face to new beginnings.

Over the festive season I looked back at the year and felt suddenly very humble and extremely wealthy. I looked at all that we have in life and at all our Yule gifts and felt completely overwhelmed. So much so that it reduced me to tears. Tears of happiness and gratitude for ALL that we have in our lives here!

This year has been quite a year for me. It has been a year of letting go, facing fears, regrouping, moving forward and making new plans. I guess that is what life is usually about, but for me personally 2011 has been hugely liberating on so many levels.

I think that my transformation into the person I am today began through heart-break and desperation in 2010. My Fiancé suddenly ended everything just as we were about to send out the Wedding invitations. It completely floored me, I didn’t see it coming and I became engulfed by a sea of despair and disbelief. That happened just before Samhain 2010…. It was my beautiful family and friends who held me close and stood by me that gave me the strength to carry on and evolve from what I felt to be utter devastation.

I really withdrew into myself, looked deeply inside of me into my very core and realised that I am not responsible for someone else’s issues …. What I am responsible for is myself….yes me! I had committed myself completely to someone and had lost “myself” in the process because I didn't keep anything back for myself. But ~ I had choices and I chose to be that woman!I realised that my  trail of failed relationships before him revealed a pattern along the same lines but I had never learned the lessons I was meant to learn. The Universe works in mysterious ways but the penny dropped at that point and things started to click into place!

So what did 2011 bring? Once I had licked my wounds and allowed myself to heal I set about changing my mindset completely. I have to say this really was NOT easy to do but I have the most wonderful inspirational friends who played a major part in that and I began to live my truth. So, I chose to sell my house at a huge loss which means I will probably never own my own home again. But I gained financial security and reduced the stress on my salary hugely. I reduced my working hours which gave me an extra day off after slogging fulltime since the age of 18. I have secured a permanent position with my employer to work in Glastonbury which is opening up so many fabulous opportunities professionally and spiritually. My beautiful son is thriving and healthy again and has secured a place at College near Glastonbury when he leaves school. I chose to leave a Pagan group from but I listened to their ceremonial leaders at Winter Solstice this year talk to a crowd of over 5,000 people about peace, harmony and walking hand in hand with unity so I am hopeful that they keep their word and that there will be unity between all again ...including with me...  And last but not least I have got creative again with craft skills that I have not used for many years.
All positive positive stuff eh! And so the wheel turns and with it comes the return of the Sun again to my life. Much work is still to be done and old habits do creep in at times but I recognise that. ….. So here’s to honouring the past, learning from it, making choices and taking responsibility and to the most exciting new beginnings!

The wonderful Whitespring

It's Sunday morning and I'm getting ready for the day ahead. Today starts as it always does but it's a special Sunday so I wake up with a feeling of gratitude and anticipation of what the afternoon will bring. You see, this is my Sunday to keep the sacred space at The Whitespring in Glastonbury. It is something I never thought I would be fortunate enough to do and to be given the opportunity is simply amazing.
So jumping in the shower starts my preparation because every time it is our Sunday at The Whitespring I quietly state my intent as the water flows over me. I know that every time we go there it is different but one thing never changes and that is my intent~ to be ‘present’ for the duration of my time there. It ensures that I can be open to the energies there and know what is required of me for that particular day.
By the time I've packed my bag and checked I have matches, tea lights, incense and of course lunch it's time to go. Without fail I have to smile with sheer pride as we open up those bright "Whitespring blue" doors. I can’t contain my excitement as we close the door behind us and it's just me, the darkness, the powerful waters and the unique energies of the wonderful Whitespring. It's time to greet this sacred space and prepare for all those who visit today. I have a little ritual now for lighting up and kind of know intuitively what needs to be done. As the tealights and candles are all lit the space is transformed and the incense starts to rise above the bigger central pool creating a white mystical cloud. It's time to welcome our visitors.
Each time I have been there I have shared this sacred space with many people. Some are regular visitors and they are focused on their own intent for the time they are there. But I love it when people peep tentatively through the doors and wonder what is in there! When they venture in and their eyes adjust they are amazed at what they see and gasp with delight that they have found this wonderful place. I remember one time when a lady was unsure of her footing on the steps so I took her hand to guide her. When she stepped down from the last step she looked up at the beautiful sight that met her, she squeezed my hand, looked at me and was speechless. That same day a very young couple very sweetly asked if they were allowed to come in, to which I answered "of course" with a welcoming smile. They had lots of questions and kept coming back to me with more because they were so enchanted with their find. They watched inquisitively as people bathed and chanted serenely in the pool before they left. They came back a while later, took off their shoes, rolled up their jeans and stood hand and hand in the pool. They were obviously very much in love and were happily singing ballads to each other which sounded so lovely. So many lovely visitors and so many wonderful stories of why they are there that day and it is very humbling to hear them. Those days at The Whitespring’s make my heart sing!
Every time I am keeping I feel such a strong desire to nurture all those who go and to help them get the most from their visit. Some travel so far to experience what is on our doorstep and I live with eternal gratitude for the role that we have there and the gift that we have been given. I love it there and like ALL of the volunteer keepers it really is genuinely for the love of it!