Learning to make choices!

Well the festive season is nearly behind us and my thoughts are excitedly turning to new ideas, new motivations and new priorities! But somehow I need to acknowledge some of what I have observed and felt over this Winter Solstice period before I leave it behind and turn my face to new beginnings.

Over the festive season I looked back at the year and felt suddenly very humble and extremely wealthy. I looked at all that we have in life and at all our Yule gifts and felt completely overwhelmed. So much so that it reduced me to tears. Tears of happiness and gratitude for ALL that we have in our lives here!

This year has been quite a year for me. It has been a year of letting go, facing fears, regrouping, moving forward and making new plans. I guess that is what life is usually about, but for me personally 2011 has been hugely liberating on so many levels.

I think that my transformation into the person I am today began through heart-break and desperation in 2010. My Fiancé suddenly ended everything just as we were about to send out the Wedding invitations. It completely floored me, I didn’t see it coming and I became engulfed by a sea of despair and disbelief. That happened just before Samhain 2010…. It was my beautiful family and friends who held me close and stood by me that gave me the strength to carry on and evolve from what I felt to be utter devastation.

I really withdrew into myself, looked deeply inside of me into my very core and realised that I am not responsible for someone else’s issues …. What I am responsible for is myself….yes me! I had committed myself completely to someone and had lost “myself” in the process because I didn't keep anything back for myself. But ~ I had choices and I chose to be that woman!I realised that my  trail of failed relationships before him revealed a pattern along the same lines but I had never learned the lessons I was meant to learn. The Universe works in mysterious ways but the penny dropped at that point and things started to click into place!

So what did 2011 bring? Once I had licked my wounds and allowed myself to heal I set about changing my mindset completely. I have to say this really was NOT easy to do but I have the most wonderful inspirational friends who played a major part in that and I began to live my truth. So, I chose to sell my house at a huge loss which means I will probably never own my own home again. But I gained financial security and reduced the stress on my salary hugely. I reduced my working hours which gave me an extra day off after slogging fulltime since the age of 18. I have secured a permanent position with my employer to work in Glastonbury which is opening up so many fabulous opportunities professionally and spiritually. My beautiful son is thriving and healthy again and has secured a place at College near Glastonbury when he leaves school. I chose to leave a Pagan group from but I listened to their ceremonial leaders at Winter Solstice this year talk to a crowd of over 5,000 people about peace, harmony and walking hand in hand with unity so I am hopeful that they keep their word and that there will be unity between all again ...including with me...  And last but not least I have got creative again with craft skills that I have not used for many years.
All positive positive stuff eh! And so the wheel turns and with it comes the return of the Sun again to my life. Much work is still to be done and old habits do creep in at times but I recognise that. ….. So here’s to honouring the past, learning from it, making choices and taking responsibility and to the most exciting new beginnings!

The wonderful Whitespring

It's Sunday morning and I'm getting ready for the day ahead. Today starts as it always does but it's a special Sunday so I wake up with a feeling of gratitude and anticipation of what the afternoon will bring. You see, this is my Sunday to keep the sacred space at The Whitespring in Glastonbury. It is something I never thought I would be fortunate enough to do and to be given the opportunity is simply amazing.
So jumping in the shower starts my preparation because every time it is our Sunday at The Whitespring I quietly state my intent as the water flows over me. I know that every time we go there it is different but one thing never changes and that is my intent~ to be ‘present’ for the duration of my time there. It ensures that I can be open to the energies there and know what is required of me for that particular day.
By the time I've packed my bag and checked I have matches, tea lights, incense and of course lunch it's time to go. Without fail I have to smile with sheer pride as we open up those bright "Whitespring blue" doors. I can’t contain my excitement as we close the door behind us and it's just me, the darkness, the powerful waters and the unique energies of the wonderful Whitespring. It's time to greet this sacred space and prepare for all those who visit today. I have a little ritual now for lighting up and kind of know intuitively what needs to be done. As the tealights and candles are all lit the space is transformed and the incense starts to rise above the bigger central pool creating a white mystical cloud. It's time to welcome our visitors.
Each time I have been there I have shared this sacred space with many people. Some are regular visitors and they are focused on their own intent for the time they are there. But I love it when people peep tentatively through the doors and wonder what is in there! When they venture in and their eyes adjust they are amazed at what they see and gasp with delight that they have found this wonderful place. I remember one time when a lady was unsure of her footing on the steps so I took her hand to guide her. When she stepped down from the last step she looked up at the beautiful sight that met her, she squeezed my hand, looked at me and was speechless. That same day a very young couple very sweetly asked if they were allowed to come in, to which I answered "of course" with a welcoming smile. They had lots of questions and kept coming back to me with more because they were so enchanted with their find. They watched inquisitively as people bathed and chanted serenely in the pool before they left. They came back a while later, took off their shoes, rolled up their jeans and stood hand and hand in the pool. They were obviously very much in love and were happily singing ballads to each other which sounded so lovely. So many lovely visitors and so many wonderful stories of why they are there that day and it is very humbling to hear them. Those days at The Whitespring’s make my heart sing!
Every time I am keeping I feel such a strong desire to nurture all those who go and to help them get the most from their visit. Some travel so far to experience what is on our doorstep and I live with eternal gratitude for the role that we have there and the gift that we have been given. I love it there and like ALL of the volunteer keepers it really is genuinely for the love of it!

Today I am glad to just be!

I am prompted to write my blog after a quiet day of contemplation. This day feels very significant, it feels different somehow. It has been a day of Remembrance all round I guess with it being Armistice Day but also my thoughts turned again to last weekend on the M5. For me this day is shrouded in mystery, with talk of 11.11.11 and the potent Full Moon. I feel a change, a shift within myself through an increasing consciousness of certain elements in me and I know others who are feeling the same. This year has been life changing in very many ways, not just for me but for my friends and I am definitely sensing the beginnings of a return to simplicity in life for us all.

I feel the need to share something with you. A week ago my heart went out to all those affected by the M5 crash. As the true extent of the horror unravelled I felt a gut wrenching knot in my stomach just thinking about the families who had to go through the trauma of hearing that knock at their door to be told their loved one had died. You see, as a family we had been through that very scenario exactly eleven years ago today, though it feels like only yesterday. For our family, the families whose loved ones died in the M5 crash and any other family who has gone through this it changes life for ever beyond what you could imagine! I started to re-live my own experience of back then with such a strong desire to hold those families close, to comfort them and tell them that I and many more share their grief, that they are not alone.

I work with death every day yet it did not prepare me for the journey I was to make, and still make, eleven years later. My work also did not prepare me for the cyclical nature of grief either, which I suddenly became conscious of last weekend. I tell people every day that grief is a cycle of phases that we revisit at different times in our lives. Yet to my surprise I forgot that this also applied to me! Watching the events of last weekend on the M5 took me back to a place that I did not want to go. I went to bed that night and cried so much for their loss and mine from eleven years ago and I felt something sink within me again. So now, I find myself on a journey again to find my place in the world that I feel is too full of material things, possessions, cruelty and greed. I am reminded again of what is important in life through letting go of someone so precious. As a family we all appreciate our love for each other and if our loss taught us anything it is to never take each other for granted but to treasure what we have. Life is fragile but in Death there is always rebirth: the wheel of life where the flow of existence is never ending.

So,my message in what I write here is to show kindness, compassion and understanding to everyone around you. We are here just a short time sharing the same planet, all of us on a journey and none of us knows what the person next to us has lived through or is living through. Everyone has a life story beyond what you see on the surface! Let’s all slow down and really “see” what is around us.

What has happened to Nursing today?

You may have seen in the news this week that the Care Quality Commission published their "National report on dignity and nutrition review". It makes for quite distressing reading and some of it I read with sheer disbelief. Since when did we become a profession of uncaring, cruel and callous beings who are not worthy of calling ourselves “Nurses”. Florence Nightingale would turn in her grave!
I have been a Nurse since I left school and qualified as a Registered Nurse in 1986 so I have seen many changes over the years…. Some good but some not so good. When I was in training most of my time was spent on different wards learning from experience and from good role models. We spent alternate 6 weeks on a ward and 2 weeks in the school of Nursing over a period of three and a half years.
I have great memories of those days as a proud Student Nurse… I loved wearing my uniform which included a starched nurses hat, belt, fob watch and a thick woollen nurses cape. I remember, with more affection now than back then, Miss Moss who was the Nursing officer for all of the medical wards. She was the typical matronly type old school nurse who stood for no nonsense and was incredibly strict. I dreaded taking the day or night report to her because she always quizzed me on the meaning of some of the medical terms I was reading out to her and I couldn’t blag my way out of the situation; I simply had to know what I was talking about! She would gaze sternly at me over the top of her spectacles if I couldn’t tell her about each patient and she would watch me squirm if I tried to pretend! I remember that no one was on first name terms, it was always Nurse something! I remember how we had to position ALL wheels of the beds facing forwards, the overhang of the counterpanes equal both sides, the pillow case openings facing away from the door of the ward and so on; otherwise we would be in so much trouble. Our uniform conformity had to be 100% and we had to “look” like nurses. Our conduct had to be impeccable both inside and outside of work. This was all attention to detail and that was before any of the patients came into the equation. In those days I remember how bed bathing, feeding, toileting and maintaining the dignity of patients was absolute priority and considered to be an everyday part of our role. It was after all part of our Nursing Code of Conduct back then and it still is today!
As a Ward Sister at the age of 23, I expected and upheld the same standards that I had been taught. I wore my navy blue dress, silver belt buckle, frilly starched hat and cuffs with honour and pride. On my ward the elderly patients were helped to dress appropriately and always in co-ordinated colours. Countless times I would reprimand nurses for dressing patients in clashing colours that they themselves wouldn’t be seen dead in! I would forbid Radio 1 on the ward and anyone caught would be in big trouble. Since when do 80 plus year olds want to listen to music like that? I remember one nurse bed bathing a patient and she washed her with a soapy flannel but then proceeded to dry her without rinsing the soap off. Not rinsing off the soap is something no one would do to themselves but because this particular patient couldn’t talk or move she was at the mercy of the Nurse who thought she would not be caught out. I could tell you many stories but the point to me telling you these things is that I achieved good standards because I care! I care about vulnerable, sick patients! I care about the attention to detail! I care about fulfilling basic human need in nursing! I care that we are in a position of trust and should feel privileged to be there…. And all you nurses out there should care too!
When did things change so much I ask myself and result in the damning report that has been published. In all honesty I think many Nurses feel that they are not valued in the way that should be in the NHS. The morale is so low and they are over worked, paid little for the responsibility that they have and are expected to do more and more and thus become burnt out. My observation is that there is more emphasis on the technical and academic side of nursing than when I trained to be a nurse. When the style of nurse training changed and the schools of nursing became affiliated with Universities there was more of a shift towards academia and less towards experiential learning. No one can learn to be a nurse through spending the majority of their Nurse training reading books and writing dissertations! For example the student nurses now that I have come out with me tell me that they are not taught about exactly how to feed patients nowadays or how to bed bath in the way that I was. They seem to be taught more about “promoting independence” in those aspects of human need and thus encouraging patients to feed or wash themselves whether they are capable or not of achieving it. Maybe things have changed because of medical advancements that have affected the way we nurse nowadays. Post-operative patients would be cared for and nurtured gently back to health before they were sent home a few years ago. Now that some of the procedures are less invasive the recovery period is often quicker and patients are sent home much sooner nowadays to recover. However, anyone who has had even minor surgery will tell you that they go though a period of at least discomfort, if not pain and sickness and require some help until they recover.
I don’t have the answers in writing this blog. Generally today life is different and it is much more of a dog eat dog, selfish society which perhaps has led to the decline in nursing culture these days. Every nurse should read the book "Notes on Nursing” by Florence Nightingale. It was published in 1859 but is still very relevant to today and is very focussed on what basic human need is and how to achieve that. There have been numerous wonderful medical break through’s in the world of health care which is exactly what we want to hear, but the one thing that hasn’t changed is basic human need and my feeling is that we are not caring enough about that … I have Maslow’s Hierarchy of needs imprinted on my brain from my nurse training days and those needs remain the same whatever medical advances have taken place. It is not rocket science is it? Nursing the sick or infirm is simple if nurses keep one principle firmly in their minds……. 'Care for patients in the same way as you would expect your loved ones to be cared for' …. We can’t go wrong with that can we? It has worked for me for all these years!
I hope and pray that the Care Quality Commissions report brings about change for the better and that Nurses can take a pride in their role once again. But for now, I am grateful that I am the nurse that I am and that I work with others who work in the way that I do!

We arrived last night in Bournemouth not knowing whether we were in the right place or not. But when we saw several 40 something men dressed all in black, with jet black died hair getting out of their cars we absolutely knew we had found the right place. Yes! They, like us, had travelled there to see the 53 year old music legend and hero Gary Numan.
The queue leading us into the venue was a mixture of Numan lookalikes, Goths, Mum’s and Dad’s with their teenage kids and all of us waiting with sheer excitement for this man who has continued through the years to put out album after album of brilliant music.
Once inside we found a brilliant little spot on the Balcony so that we could capture these wonderful moments on photographs. Standing next to us was another couple of our age with their Daughter who had travelled from Eastbourne. They were equally excited to be there and we chatted like old friends for a while, completely at ease in our mutual admiration for Gary Numan.
After the first Band, Jayce Lewis, who was also fab, the audience were cheerfully impatient and so much wanting this great man to take to the stage. Every now and again we could hear grown men shout “Nuuumannnn”, urging the star to take to the stage and end our ever increasing anticipation.
Clad in all in black, Gary took to the stage amidst a mystical darkness and sounds of deep pulsing bass-ey synthesiser sounds ……and I was immediately mesmerised and taken right back to my Numan school girl crush days. The wait was so worth it! He totally owned the stage throughout the concert and the look on my 15 year old sons face said it all…. “Awesome” he said and was so chuffed when Gary sang one of his favourite new songs ‘Haunted’ early on in the set.
Gary showed relentless energy on stage and gave us the most amazing performance that would have put a 23 year old to shame, let alone a man of his age at 53. Gary performed for one and half hours of what I would describe as atmospheric, raunchy, Gothic metal, synth style music that had all of us returning to our eternal youthfulness. He continued to wow us all every second of his time on stage. Somehow, I could only describe his ability to move to his music as sensual, as he reached up and slowly moved his body. It’s perhaps not how we would usually describe a man moving, but truly for those ladies who were there I am sure that they would agree! Though he has said in previous interviews that he wishes he was taller than his 5ft8 and a quarter, he definitely appeared larger than life on that stage with his presence. I was in awe of this musical genius and I know I wasn’t the only one as I glanced across at my partner standing next to me with a beam from ear to ear all evening. Gary has the most wonderful gift in bridging the gap between generations and his success, where others have fallen, is his innate talent to evolve and reinvent himself and his music. It is sheer genius!
I glanced down from the Balcony a few times during Gary’s performance to see a united and hypnotised audience. There seemed to be a tangible camaraderie amongst everyone there, a far cry from my recent experiences within the Pagan world. Our newfound friends had told us that Gary is taking his family to live in America because of the unrest in the UK with the riots etc and also someone had been quite unpleasant to his wife Gemma. I sincerely hope that this doesn’t happen…. and I so hope that the Numan fans of our Country throughout Gary’s Tour change his mind about leaving and show him that there is a lot of good in the UK and that it is a minority that behave like that.
Gary came back on stage for his encore to a rapturous applause. He ended the night with two favourites….. ‘Cars’ and ‘Are friends electric?’ His version of those two songs left me feeling humble and grateful for the chance to revisit good times and to share them this time with my son and partner. The song ‘Cars’ played a significant part in my latter school days and reminded me of what I used to be!
If you ever have the chance to see Gary Numan live, I can whole heartedly recommend that you go ~ you will not be disappointed I promise you!

Photo courtesy of Trisrian Doe...all copyrights reserved!

Ramblings from Sherborne Castle

A few weeks ago we visited the very beautiful Sherborne Castle and its absolutely wonderful grounds.
There are actually two castles in Sherborne. The ‘Old Castle’ was built by Roger Bishop of Salisbury in the 12th Century to serve the western part of their large diocese. The Bishop also built a small Hunting Lodge in the grounds of the adjacent deer park. During the Civil war the ‘Old Castle’ was garrisoned and suffered two sieges but after the second siege in 1645 the ‘Old Castle’ was systematically demolished.
The ‘Old Castle’ was acquired by Sir Walter Raleigh in 1592 but he decided against modernising it and built a new Castle in the deer park instead. I can really understand why they would want to build the Hunting Lodge and then the new Castle where they did because the grounds are so beautiful and tranquil. Surprisingly, Sherborne Castle doesn’t resemble a castle as we imagine but is a rather grand stately house. During his time there Sir Walter made a number of changes to his new Castle over the years, seemingly to keep up with the times. The Digby family acquired Sherborne Castle in 1617 just before Sir Walter met with his demise in 1618 when he was executed. It remains the stately home of the Digby family to this day seeing further modernisation over the years.
Our stroll around the grounds was an absolute delight. Acres of grounds set in the heart of the Dorset countryside with wonderful surprises around every corner. We savoured moments of simple pleasure and gratitude to be able to take in the splendours of an old folly, majestic trees towering over us, a meandering river with its natural water-fall, the beautiful silvery lake with the reflection of Sherborne Castle glimmering in the afternoon sun, the antics of wild life unknowingly providing pure entertainment for us and an old bridge leading the way to glimpse the Old Castle.
We came across an alcove seat named ‘Pope’s Seat’ which I of course had to sit on for a while. The inscription plate was of great interest:

“The poet Alexander Pope visited Sherborne Castle in 1724 and was so impressed with the gardens that he wrote a long description of them. He particularly liked the shaded walk to the ‘venerable broken walls’ of the Old Castle by the river, the ‘natural cascade with never –ceasing murmurs’ and the views of the ’glimmering waters’. Here there was a ‘rustic seat of stone, flagged and rough, with two urns in the same rude taste upon pedestals on each side’.
The present structure dates from the late eighteenth century and was probably designed by Henry Holland, who was paid £30 10s in 1778 for a ‘covered bench in the garden’. In 1780 the estate accounts record the castle mason putting the finishing touches to the ‘Alcove in the Grove’. The Digby family called it Pope’s Seat in honour of the poet”

On my return home I patiently set about finding the description that Pope wrote. It took a while but to my absolute delight I came across the most beautiful gem of an old book that would not have been known about had it not have been for our visit to Sherborne Castle. The book entitled, “Gleanings on Gardens: Chiefly Respecting Those of the Ancient Style in England” written by S Felton in 1897, is a reprint from the original publication in 1829 and can be viewed free of charge on-line. I turned eagerly to Chapter 7 which revealed the treasured description of Popes visit to Sherborne Castle in a letter to his friend Martha Blount. He wrote with such admiration of what he had seen and indeed his description remains timeless; having seen what Pope saw and sat in the exact same place as he had, I could visualise perfectly the image that he lovingly wrote about.
My imagination was captured by what Pope had written and I could not resist turning to the first page of “Gleanings on Gardens” and proceeded to read it from cover to cover….. What a magnificent find!
I hope that you will also feel compelled to visit Sherborne Castle one day and lay witness to all the joy that it has offered those who have trod before us. I hope that also I have shared something lovely with you in the form of an old book that most of us would not have known existed until today

And the wheel turns .....

The air is decidedly more Autumnal as each day passes and the days becoming noticeably shorter. With everlasting consistency the wheel of the year turns and Lughnasadh returned to me like an old friend. I love this time of year and always have done….. The air of anticipation is palpable and my bubbling excitement brings a smile when I to see natures kitchen bursting with its colourful fruits and golden grains.

In my reflective mood I remember childhood days on the Farm watching the ripened crops being harvested. Harvest Time - This time of year was always such a busy but exciting time to be a part of, as trailer after trailer returned from the fields from early in the morning until very late at night. Trailers full of Mother Nature’s sunny grains that had been nurtured by our good earth and those working on the land until they were bursting with pure goodness. I would lie in bed late at night during harvest time, strangely comforted by the sound of the combine humming in the fields still and then the tractors and their heavily laden trailers returning to the grain store. I would watch the tractor lights dancing on the dark bedroom wall as it turned the corner and the drone of the diesel engine as it changed down the gears, whilst feeling a quiet contentment. I would listen intently, trying to guess whether they would make just one more journey back to the fields for the night. Then I remember the Blackberry picking, my sisters and me walking home with purple stained lips and tongues; a tell tale sign that we had been munching our way through the hedgerows! Lovely memories of freedom and closeness to nature and all that she gave us. I long for that free spirit to return to me so I can run again though long grass with wild abandon, without fear of being watched, being judged!
Life is so complicated and busy all the time nowadays and space to “just be” almost has to be diarised, but back then in my childhood I never gave it a thought and took so much of it for granted. One day though, I promise myself that I will return to that inner peace I felt back then in my heart, with a renewed grown-up connection with my beloved Gaia.

Still in a reflective mood, thoughts turn to my own personal harvest this year! I have at last sown the seeds to a more harmonious life, weeding out the things that needed to change in order to feel more at one with my world. Though some of this did not meet with the approval of some and I felt the wrath of some people who I had trusted, I now feel at peace as I move forward without them. I have been so busy since February carefully sowing seeds of freedom in my life; selling my house earlier in the year and renting a smaller home so that I could reduce my working hours to become more creative. Having achieved the reduced hours of working I am still working out how exactly this will be afforded…. that will come though with determination!
A few weeks ago I went back “home” to see my family. I discovered that our dear Mum could drum out a pretty good rhythm on my Djembe which was very special indeed and a total gift to us all. We also enjoyed the most wonderful party that fed my soul with all the love that I needed to feel whole again. My gratitude to Dad and his Wife for hosting such a family get-together is beyond words because it was so memorable for all. The “Clooties” we all tied on the Apple tree continue to blow in the breeze; all of them tied with love, hopes and dreams, and will serve as a reminder of that beautiful day. Family is an important part of who I am and I am eternally grateful to them for always being there. I can confidently say that this year my harvest is beautiful and bountiful and for that I give thanks to the Universe.

Harvesting is not finished by any means though, as there is still plenty to be found both outside and within. So until my next blog I will look forward to Blackberry and Sloe picking in the next few weeks which should keep us in good supply for the darker half of the year….. Plus I will again be searching for inspiration amongst the hedgerows and fields to get creative again for Yule. Oh, how I love this time of year!